The one where I PACK MY KNIVES AND GO.

So, you may have noticed that my weekly recaps of Top Chef Canada ended rather abruptly. The short version of the story is that I've been in New Orleans for a week (and will be here for another three weeks) and don't get Food Network Canada here. The long version of the story is that I couldn't admit that to myself until now, because I HATE starting something and then not finishing it. Even goofy TV show recaps. Which is hilarious considering how often I start something and don't finish it. 

Bloggers. Always our own worst enemies, AMIRIGHT?

I was going to have a friend sit in for me, but then she had to go away for business and then, well, I took a nap. As you do.

It was then I dreamt that not-Padma called me out of the Beer Locker of Self Pity into the Blue Room of Death. Nervously, I entered, knowing my fate.

McEwan gave me an "are you still here" squint and then started checking out his ginger Jerry Curl in the refection of a tablespoon.

Shereen was not taking any of it.

"This is a cooking competition,” she said, enunciating every word with the precision of...something that's really precise. "You call yourself a blogger?" I stared at her. "No, not really", I said. "Where is the snark?" she demanded. "The whole point of this exercise was to give us a taste of snark. I was promised snark and"...she looked around frantically..."I got NOTHING."

"And, if I'm being honest", Not-Padma purred "the snark I did get had a very unpleasant mouth feel."

"Too much foam!" McEwan shouted. Then he flexed.

It was then Not-Padma told me to "pack my knives and go".

I made one last attempt at levity by pointing at myself and saying "no soup for you!"

Sheeren stuck her finger in her mouth like she was going to make herself barf, Not-Padma stroked the sides of her Herve Leger bandage dress while avoiding eye contact with me and McEwan threw his tablespoon down in disgust.

Guest judge, Emeril Lagasse (hahaha, like THAT would ever happen on Top Chef Canada) told me I was a good girl and that I should excuse myself and go get a beignet. I woke up with my face sticking to the pillow, covered in powered sugar.  I cleaned all that shit up with a SPONGETOWEL.

THE END, MOTHERFUCKERS. BETTER LUCK NEXT YEAR.

Top Chef Canada Episode 5 Recap: I'm cooking as fast as I can!

At stake for the winner....blah, blah, blah SPONGETOWELS!

We open with the chefs partying on the rooftop and then we learn after a lot of hot tub shenanigans and swigging from bottles that The Brit has been having nightmares.  Are we about to see a "very special episode of Top Chef Canada"?

QUICKFIRE!  The GE Monogram not-Padma tells them that they are about to compete against the best.  You can see their wheels turning...Boxing Glove Caity whispers "Dale McKay" which is a bit of an insult to Golden Boy Rob, no?  But she's wrong because here's Chef McEwan...whaaaa?

Wait a minute.  Shouldn't he be wearing a hairnet?

McEwan is going to cook something as fast as he can and then they'll have the same amount of time once it's their turn. In 11minutes and 17 seconds, ol' McEwan plates some beautiful looking ricotta gnocchi all without, seemingly, breaking a sweat.  But the twists aren't done.  The five eliminated chefs return, set to fight for one remaining spot in the kitchen. It's like Last Chance Kitchen without a budget!  And now we'll be forced to try and remember the name of some poor schmuck that got kicked out two weeks in.  Welcome back, whoever you are!  Your time starts now, Stranger!

"Everyone in that kitchen will smell what I'm cooking. YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN? It's a fuckin' bucket of ass-kicking. YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?"  I swear to god, Clemente, whoever you are...I hope not.  I really, really hope not.

Approximately 47 Canadian Top Chefs run around like the Tasmanian Devil.  I want to hide under my couch.

I don't remember this Clemente guy being this...angry before.

Crying Kayla didn't get her protein on the plate.  I feel like she did this on purpose.

Scarface Nicole wins the challenge and immunity.  She then admits to the camera that she drank a bottle and a half of wine and two triple gins last night.  I'm guessing she's still drunk.  Wonder what she would cook like sober?  Scarface Nicole is good times.

The previously eliminated chef set to return to the competition is, of course, Dennis, our Cast Boy.  I want to see him pound meat with that thing.  USE IT, Dennis, embrace your flaws!  So glad it wasn't Clemente, I really didn't want to hear him talk about smelling ass-kickings anymore.  YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?!

ELIMINATION CHALLENGE

Now there's some sort of strange sculpture tree with fairytale things hanging from it like swords, poison and glass slippers.  Confusion.

Oh.  And enter the students from the National Ballet School.  They need to cook for a cocktail party inspired by famous ballets.  Oh, please, please, please whoever got Swan Lake...serve actual Swan.  Or at the very least, something in a tinfoil swan.

We're at the cocktail party now and the guest judge is cutie pie and former ballet-dude Rex Harrington. Newfoundland Chris and Cast Boy are up first representing Romeo & Juliet with a panna cotta. Because Italy.  They think it's wonderful and captures the romance - McEwan talks an awful lot about the jiggle, which, in an odd way, captures some romance.

Scarface Nicole and Boxing Glove Caity present a spring roll called the "midnight bite" that isn't beautiful on the outside but is beautiful on the inside.  Like Cinderella.  This one is going to be tough to beat. Eveyone looooves it.

Calgary Chris and Ge-off made a chicken galantine because it, like Sleeping Beauty is "classical".  Unfortunately, not-Padma chokes on it and Rex Harrington can't taste anything but the meat (that's what she said).  McEwan says "you put it in your mouth and it's a non event" (that's what she said).

Expensive Shirt Matt and Not-blonde Becky are super confident.  They've done a German chocolate something or other that represents Giselle, the ballet nobody really knows about in this bunch.  It's pretty twee.  They talk about soil.  The judges love it.  This could beat the spring roll.

Luxury Jonathan and Danny Smiles made some kind beet and vodka cured lake trout but the important thing is the smoke machine that Danny made.  What's their ballet again?  Swan Lake?  Where's my tinfoil swan, damn it!  McEwan thinks it wasn't that strong, but everyone else likes it.

The Brit and Young Rory made a hazelnut spiced shortbread and I'm worried for them.  We've learned a lot about The Brit's personal life today, which means he could go home, right?  The cookie has been called hard, dense and flavourless. Not-Padma says it's "like a dog biscuit".  They came up short, with the shortbread.

RICKARD'S HAS PLACED A DRAUGHT BEER THINGY IN THE BEER LOCKER OF SELF PITY.  Yes, that is a technical term.

The top offerings are from Scarface Nicole and Boxing Glove Caity and Expensive Shirt Matthew and Not-blonde Becky. Bravo! Throw roses at their feet.  The team that won was the ladies and their spring roll.  The lesson? Nicole needs to work drunk more often and Caity should embrace female friends and coworkers.

Calgary Chris and Ge-off and Young Rory and The Brit are in the bottom.  The Brit takes full responsibilities for his failings.  The other team just looks shocked to be there.

Were you dazzled by flavour?  Mark McEwan would like to know.  If you weren't well, what's the god damn point?

Rex Harrington's blazer glistens, as does the new product placed on the JUDGES' TABLE, sparkling water! Of some brand!  Come on guys...not-Padma's Herve Leger bandage dresses aren't going to buy themselves, you know.

The Brit has to pack his knives and go. He says he knew there was a good chance it was going to be him.  We knew too, Dan.  The minute we saw that picture of you with your late mother and heard you voicing concerns about your dreams in voiceover while you brushed your teeth.  Good luck, mate.  You're a good egg.

Join us next time when...I have no idea.  These previews made less sense than those bottles of San Pellegrino on the JUDGES' TABLE!

Top Chef Canada Episode 4 Recap: Slow clap for Crying Kayla

We open at the dorm / condo where Crying Kayla says the thing everyone who is ever on the bottom and not eliminated in one of these things says.

"I never want to be in the bottom again!"

EVERYBODY TAKE A DRINK!

Oh shit, and we now learn that Crying Kayla has been sober for four years and we all look like assholes for playing a spontaneous drinking game.

For. Shame.

QUICKFIRE TIME! to make the donuts!  Joining the GE Monogram not-Padma is the co-owner of that donut and chicken place in Leslieville, Paulette's.  I had their chicken, it tasted kind of like glue.  And their donuts didn't really taste like anything.  But their marketing is good and this lady is pretty and (unlike Becky) blonde, so she's here to talk to a bunch of snobby chefs about donuts.  Showbiz!

They are, of course, going to "elevate" the humble donut using wacky secret ingredients.  There's a $5000 cash prize to be won too.

Hey, Ge-off, if Wasabi donut dough in your eye is one of the "worst experiences of your life", then congrats, mate, you're winning at life. Buck up.  His donut is sooooo icky looking and of course it's one of the bottom three along with The Brit's seaweed donut and Crying Kayla's Churo which tasted like cardboard.  The best donuts came to us from Newfoundland Chris, Scarface Nicole and Not-blonde Becky.  Yeah, I would have eaten any one of those, but the winner is Newfoundland Chris who wins 5 G's on his son's 1st birthday.  Aaaaawww.

It's time for the ELIMINATION CHALLENGE where the Top Chef Canada producers call it in and do a segment with Roller Derby Girls.  Just like Top Chef did a few weeks ago.

"I don't even know what Roller Derby Chicks want to eat", says Danny Smiles, while smiling.  "I mean, I feel like wanna eat my head or eat my arm and like beat me with my leg..."  He's SO into these girls.

As the winner of the Quickfire, Newfoundland Chris gets to be team leader and has the opportunity to choose the other team leader, of course he picks Crying Kayla, because she is, quite simply, a mess. STRATEGY!

The Roller Derby chicks talked about carbs, not a lot of protein and stuff that's easy to eat and Kayla wants to make a salad with chick peas and flank steak. Okaaaay.  Newfoundland Chris' team does not feel like he's a leader.  I smell a mutiny.

Scarface Nicole is rolling her eyes at not-blonde Becky saying things like "I put ginger in to help with digestion" and says "she runs all the time...she hardly eats..."

If I ever decide to hire a personal trainer, I'm calling Becky.  But I want to kill a bottle of wine with Scarface Nicole.

Meanwhile, at the roller derby, The Brit, who's roller derby name is "Fiddy Pence" (bravo, really) says "ellO Ladies!"  And cue the Benny Hill theme music.

The guests at Judges Table are Elizabeth Falkner and Trish Stratus.  The GE Monogram not-Padma is head to toe in burgundy sequence.

I think my roller derby name would just be...Chef Elizabeth Falkner.

Newfoundland Chris' team did a really nice job, with Boxing Glove Caity's potatoes underwhelming the panel, but not grossing them out.

Uh oh, Team Crying Kayla.  Luxury Jonathan's Cobb Salad was a big hit, but everything else was a bust. Not good. Flat. If not downright nasty.

Of course, Newfoundland Chris' team won and the best dish was not-blonde Becky's, which made Ms. Falkner want to get up and do some roller derby.  Crying Kayla failed again and is asked to bring two of her teammates into the Blue Room of Death.

Fucking awkward.

And THEN, in a bold move, Crying Kayla goes back in to face the judge's table ALONE.  She's falling on her sword. She's eliminating herself from the competition.  She says that they had 10 or 12 people come back for seconds today and to her, that's what being a chef is all about.  No amount of recognition or money is as important as that.  She packs her knives, she goes.  With her head held high.

Slow clap for Crying Kayla.

Join us next week when McEwan is cooking for some reason and the remaining Chefs look terrified. Sounds about right.

Top Chef Canada Episode 3 Recap: Vegans Don't Eat the Best Stuff.

We waste no time, we're in Quickfire land. And Hey! It's Strombo! And Hey! He's a vegan now. Of course he is. When Calgary Chris sadly says "Vegans don't eat all the best stuff" it makes me love him a little bit.  Maybe I was wrong about you, guy.  Strombo tells them to not drown Mother Nature's good work with "over creativity".

The Brit's big advice when cooking vegan? "Just think vegetable and you're on the right track!"

Fucking. Genius.

Crying Kayla is always the one who yells out "37 minutes, GUYS!" and "What temperature is the fryer at?!?!" So far that is her contribution to the competition.

The food is all looking pretty yummy.  I mean, I get the frustration that the chefs are feeling and I've read Bourdain's diatribes against veganism, but as someone who does eat vegan a fair amount, I'm kind of into it.  I'm also kind of into steak, so, there's that.

Then, this happened:

Insightful Bastard.

George's vegan palate was not happy with Calgary Chris' dessert, Crying Kayla's vegan home fries or the angry young butcher's foamy cold soup.

Dan, Becky and Caity are pleasing, but Dan, The Brit is the winner.

ELIMINATION CHALLENGE!

The chefs have to cook for either the cafe, bar or dining room of Sen5es (which happens to be downstairs from their dorm, errrr, condo).  They pull knives and then learn that they'll be cooking against the others who have pulled in their category and that Daniel Boulud will be judging.

Luxury Jonathan is wandering the aisles of McEwan's saying "Where are the nuts? I'm looking for nuts!"  Nicole has a crazy scar across her face from banging it into a hot pan last week.  Will it be there the whole competition? Will she ask Daniel Boulud and the GE Monogram not-Padma to "say hello to her little friend"?

McEwan walks in with his very expensive jeans and Luxury Jonathan says he's looking "fresh". He's taking notes, I can feel it. And then, he points out the thread count of the cotton shirt he's wearing.  I die.  This guy is turning into a parody of Scott Disick.  Surprisingly Expensive Shirt Matthew has nothing to say about McEwan's shirt. What is he hiding?

The cafe gang are getting ready to serve and Scarface is having a hard time finishing.  Luxury Jonathan and the immune Brit pitch in to help her. They grate cheese over her pasta, they give hugs.  It's nuts, if endearing.  Expensive Shirt Matthew is all "pffffffttttt...this is a competition!"

The judges are in love with Scarface's dish and since she is adequately appreciative for the help she received, I'm happy for her.  

The immune Brit has made a fry-up of some sort and it is too casual for them.  Luxury Jonathan's fancy-ass soup is a winner and Expensive Shirt Matthew's peach tart is delicious.

The bar group is up and Not-blonde Becky's looks cute but tastes "meh".  Jeff's is weird. Nobody gets it.  And the drink he serves with it is poison.  Wait a sec, who is Jeff?  Calgary Chris made something that goes on crackers and everyone likes it.  And he made his own cracker!  Food truck Clement made ravioli (bar food?) and it doesn't work for anyone.

The dining room group is cooking and oh, THERE'S THE SPONGETOWELS! Where have they been?????

SPONGETOWELS!

Crying Kayla yells out the time.  Boxing Glove Caity gives her side eye.

Danny Smiles serves up a scallop that's undercooked, Chris C made a crazy elaborate plate, with foam or froth, which I'm sorry, looks like someone yakked it up. McEwan calls it a "traffic jam of a plate".  Boxing Glove Caity's halibut and braised chicken wing appears to be a hit.  Angry young butcher's pork tenderloin is too rare and there is no sauce.  Crying Kayla's braised lamb is cold and yuck...raw garlic...eeeewww.

BLUE ROOM OF DEATH!

Scarface, Calgary Chris and Boxing Glove Caity are the top 3.  And Scarface takes it.  She deserves it, I think, even though the boys helped her out.  She's humble, so whatever.  If she ever refuses to grate cheese for somebody I will rethink this whole thing.

Crying Kayla, food truck Clement and the immune Brit are the bottom 3.  The Brit got cafe and diner messed up. Clement claims that his ravioli was "pushing the envelope" and Shereen tells him "it's not IN the envelope".  Crying Kayla has apparently confused "rustic" with shitty and yet, Clement is going home to his food truck.  Good-bye, Clement, go drown your sorrows in a beer and a plate of ravioli.

Join us next time when the chefs go to a Roller Derby! Which happened on Top Chef last month. Not a rerun, just Cancon, folks!

Top Chef Canada Episode 2 Recap: Scavenger Hunt? More like Scavenger *#%@.

Good morning, Canadian Top Chefs!  Before anyone has even had their coffee we learn Newfoundland Chris is struggling. Waking up is hard.  Boxing gloves Caitlin is not interested in you or your bullshit OK?  She's busy, sitting on the rooftop patio looking angry.

QUICKFIRE!

G.E. Monogram not-Padma waits for the Canadian Top Chefs looking poised in a snake skin pattern dress.  She tells them that they need to cook using MREs for somebody who calls himself Survivor Man.  I've never heard of his show, but it looks like his shirt and facial hair managed to survive since the late 90's, so there's that.

THE NEWLY BRANDED FINISH CLOCK TICKS DOWN!  TICK, TOCK! WHO IS THE AD WIZARD THAT CAME UP WITH THAT ONE?  Calgary Chris can't get his MRE open.  And he hates oatmeal.  Good start! What is this guy, 12?

Boxing glove Caitlin is, of course, one of those women who hates other women.  OF COURSE.  Expensive Shirt Matthew calls himself "the one to beat", and he might be right.  Luxury Jonathan mixes them a cocktail.  I love him.  I hate him.  I love to hate him.  And they are the top three with Luxury Jonathan taking it.  He has immunity and will live another day to talk through his teeth, look down his nose and make me love / hate him again.  He won't be cooking during the elimination challenge, he'll be eating with the judges.  Swish!

ELIMINATION CHALLENGE!

Scavenger Hunt at Riverdale Farm in pairs.  Shouty Robert Irvine and his arms are here to judge this challenge and two people will be going home.  Most of the pairs do well on the scavenger hunt, the teams seem to be gelling well, except for Ruth and Boxing glove Caity.

Not blonde Becky is paired with Calgary Chris.  I'm not sure how he even got in this competition.  Honestly, this guy might not even be a cook.

Meanwhile, back at the condo, Luxury Jonathan suits up, flexes his jaw muscles and says "this is a good day for Jonathan."  Something tells me when this guy becomes unfurled it ain't gonna be pretty.

...and Nicole just hit herself in the face with a hot pan.  Let's eat!

I'm going to start a Facebook Page demanding Robert Irvine buy a shirt with sleeves.  Enough, seriously.

Two things:  I don't think if you ever do that with your shirt in public you should be allowed to judge anyone. Ever.  Also, I have that EXACT shirt that Paula Deen is wearing.  And I kind of love it.  Is that wrong???

Nicole & Rory please the judges, Expensive Shirt Matthew and Newfoundland Chris knock it out of the park and then Boxing glove Caity and Ruth totally shit the bed.  Both of them.  The food was meh and they sent in two dishes instead of one.

There is a wasp situation at Riverdale Farm, making it difficult for the judges to eat.  Well, there's a WASP situation too, but that's just because Jonathan has immunity.

Now it's raining like mad.  Quick, somebody grab a pack of SPONGETOWELS!

The Brit and The Cast seem to be developing a wee bromance.

Not blonde Becky and Calgary Chris did a great job, which basically means Calgary Chris can take direction.

Smiling Danny and someone named Clement (?) did a poor job with their pork and Crying Kayla and Ge-off turned out a pretty plate without a lot of depth.  The Brit and The Cast over seasoned and McEwan says "the more you eat, the less you like it".  Ru-roh, bros.

JUDGES TABLE!

Resplendit in yellow lace, the G.E. Monogram not-Padma calls Caity / Ruth, The Brit / The Cast out of the beer locker of self pity and into the blue room of death.  We hear things like "offensive", "I wanted to scrape my tongue" and "check yourself".  Caity and Ruth are trying to throw each other under the bus and the bros just hang their heads and look ashamed.  Fully ashamed.  They were super cocky and they knew it.

Boxing glove Caity is awful.  Awful.

Not blonde Becky & Calgary Chris and Expensive Shirt Matthew & Newfoundland Chris have the best dishes of the day.  Robert tells the boys that they won and that he wanted to lick their plate.  That's the first two elimination challenges to Matthew.  He wears that expensive shirt for a reason.  But like Danny Smiles wonders...what is he hiding?!?!

Will they "wipe a team" or divide and concur?  Who will go home?

In the end The Cast and Ruth have to go.  Ouch.  Peace out, bitches.  The moral of this story is don't cross Boxing glove Caity (she is a psycho) and don't try to take part in a cooking competition with a cast on your arm.

Next week we are promised Boxing glove Caity saying things directly into the camera like "I will murder her" and guest judge (wait for it) Daniel Boulud!

Top Chef Canada Episode 1 Recap: Fred?

Welcome to Season 3, Canada!  Here's not-Padma in a Herve Leger bandage dress.  This is how you guys want to start this thing?  OK, then.  This year, the stakes are even higher - they're giving away $250, 000 worth of cash and prizes. That's a whole lot of SPONGE TOWELS!

You can't tell the players without a scorecard.

The opening credits are making me squint.  So many gang signs, so much ironic bad dancing.  While there is no woman kicking a lemon this year there is a woman with red boxing gloves, which would be totally interesting if those were on her hands at all times during the competition.  Can you picture it?  "I think I did pretty well in the knife skills challenge...considering I'M WEARING BOXING GLOVES!"

Alright, let's meet these crazy bastards, as they embark on this journey in the glamour-filled metropolis of Toronto!

Here's Danny, a 27 year old from Montreal who works for Chuck Hughes.  Everyone calls him "Danny Smiles" cause he's really happy and doesn't care that you aren't yet sure if he's a cheerful 27 year old man or a very self assured, tough as nails lesbian.

Nicole runs a catering company.  She says a lot of inane stuff about loving food, but then when she arrives at the condo she turns her nose up at the treadmill and bemoans the lack of gin in the freezer so I like her already.

Dennis has a lot of tattoos and a girlfriend who's going to miss him.  He's a former breakdancer with a broken wrist.  Still in a cast.

Jonathan is the Executive Chef at the Royal Canadian Yacht Club and he's all about luxury.  He talks through clenched teeth and totally thinks you aren't good enough to eat his food.  Meet his bellhop and admire his designer luggage.

Ruth enters.  She's the actual self assured, tough as nails lesbian, so I guess we now know Danny is just a cheerful 27 year old boy.  Glad we cleared that up.

Katie is a bottle blonde who is "like a pit bull in a cage".  This is the same one was wearing boxing gloves in the credits, so...I guess we can see what her personal narrative is going to be.

Dan is an ex-pat Brit who lives on Vancouver Island now and claims to feel part Canadian.  The other chefs give him side eye.  Isn't there a Top Chef UK that you should go be on?

Chris is here to represent NEW Newfoundland where it isn't all about screech and bologna stew.  No, really.  That's a thing a friend of mine grew up eating in Newfoundland.  Bologna stew.  Chris has an adorable baby back home that we can expect to see lots of pictures of.

Kayla is a West Coaster who thinks she's doing pretty great for a 28 year old, thankyouverymuch.  She also loves her Grandma, so...I guess we can expect some sort of cage match style "inspiration off" between her Grandma and Chris' baby.

Calgary Chris likes to drink and have sex and says things like "this is pretty baller".  Uh-oh.

Becky's from Calgary too, but she works in Toronto now.  She says she's short, blonde and pretty cute. She is short, brunette and kind of angry looking.  She's also the kind of girl who will work the phrase "my boyfriend says" into ANY conversation.

Geoff, also from Calgary, arrives and we learn nothing about him.  Does this mean he'll be the first to be eliminated.

And what's with all these West Coasters?

Matthew is from Van and works with Rob Feenie.  He's got a nicely trimmed beard and an expensive looking shirt.

"If you're a well dressed chef, there's something you're hiding" - Danny Smiles

Now that we've met all these peeps we head into the kitchen.  The G.E. Monogram not-Padma is looking beautiful and is, I'm sure, scaring the bejesus out of these poor bastards just but standing there looking so poised.  It's unnerving.  McEwan makes up for the excessive glamour by sporting a very odd ginger jerry curl.

QUICKFIRE!!!!

Culinary skills relay race in teams of 4.  We're shucking oysters, prepping a tenderloin, segmenting a lemon and preparing a mirepoix.  Cast boy is a stand out despite basically having one hand behind is back.  Danny Smiles is having a breakdown.  Someone named Fred from Quebec who we did not meet in the opening says he is a "quite person". So quiet he just showed up in the kitchen.  So confused.
Luxury boy decided not to tie up his beef properly and somebody named Clement has a food truck and a chip on his shoulder.  The red team, whoever they are, wins.

ELIMINATION ROUND

The chefs have to cook a meal inspired by the dish that inspired them to start cooking.  Seems like a fairly easy task, they need to find their comfort zones and settle in.

Chuck Hughes is the guest judge this week.  Will they play bad Canadian alternative music while he discusses what he's eating?

I seriously hope McEwan's is closed when these running maniacs do their shopping.  Can you imagine, you're picking out a melon and boom some crazed chef comes and knocks you down?

The kitchen at North 44  is under siege.  Someone is going home.

Ruth is funny and pretty adorable, Newfoundland Chris looks like he might cry over fresh ingredients and Cast Boy remains calm, despite being Cast Boy.  Kayla looks like she's going to cry all the time.  Is she or is this just a Robert Kennedy Jr. thing where she always sounds like that?  Oh, no, she might.  She didn't finish her plate.  Ooops.

Shereen is no longer pregnant, Chuck Hughes is in the house, G.E. Monogram not-Padma looks lovely.  They love Kayla's fried chicken so much the missing waffle might not matter. Nicole's chicken and rice is a hit, Danny Smiles lobster isn't perfect, but Chuck's still proud.  Some guy cooked a cabbage roll that didn't come together.  Who is that guy?

So many damn dishes.  God, there are a lot of chefs.  I can't even.  Let's just skip to the Beer Locker of Self Pity, shall we?  Top 3 are the Brit for his duck, Expensive Shirt for his chicken and not blonde Becky for her lemon pie.  Expensive Shirt Matthew wins and you know what?  Good for him.  He's going to enjoy that $5,000 worth of SPONGE TOWELS!

Bottom 3 are Crying Kayla, Fred? and Newfoundland Chris.  Fred? whoever he is, goes home.  Au revoir Fred?  We hardly knew ye.  Like, at all.  Really.  Were you even ON this show?

See you next week, when we go on a scavenger hunt in Riverdale Farm!

Top Chef Canada Episode 13 Recap: The One Where Someone Wins

You should see what I look like right now.  Splint still on my right arm.  Half of Lenny's dinner on my yoga pants.  And now?  My right eye is pretty much swollen shut.  I AM WATCHING YOU CANADIAN TOP CHEFS! THROUGH THE SLIT IN MY RIGHT EYE!!!  

Why this isn't a video blog

OMG with the math again - "there's a 1 in 3 chance I could win 6 figures".  Wake me up when math class is over.  I'm here for home ec on steroids.

Welcome to the finale!  Enter the last 3 contestants that got kicked off to be sous chefs...we think.  Instead David, the only Frenchman in Calgary and Trista get a chance to get back in the competition.  WHAT?  The three of them now have to cook a meal from a bunch of PEI-centric food for guest judges - the top three.  WHOA.

Who? Will? Win?

"Don't expect a green salad from me today, it's gonna be lobster and butter" - the only French man in Calgary.

Seriously, he just melted like 2lbs of butter in that sauce pan.  Jeesus.

Meanwhile Trista is lowering a lobster into a pot of boiling water whispering, "don't fight it, embrace it..." 

Crazy David appears relatively calm. Until he burns himself.  He powers through and will no doubt have a scar to be proud of.  

Note to Trista - talking about shitting your pants is not appetizing.

Burn victim David's steak tartare with an egg and green beans pleases and then his seafood stew and gnocchi is also a big hit.  It's looking good for David.  

The only French man in Calgary does an oyster straight up, mussels and rare steak with a lobster tail on top.  Everyone seems to think the steak is too rare.  Shockingly, nobody mentions the litre of butter he cooked it in.

Trista presents oysters straight up, mussel and lobster soup and grilled tenderloin with a bearnaise sauce. Looks like she's redeemed herself for her plastic wrap fiasco, but beating Crazy David is going to be tough.

The top 3 are kind to everyone while they're eating and now they show that they ARE thinking strategically by voting for Trista.  Sheern and McEwan override that decision and David is back in.

Duh.

Nice try, boys.

ELIMINATION CHALLENGE

In Top Chef tradition they must create their ultimate 4 course meal.  Something that embodies their food philosophy. They're going to do all this up in beautiful Hockley Valley.

Trevor is one of those people that smiles when they freak out.

Little orphan not-Padma tells them they can get ingredients from the garden and then brings in Jimmy, Elizabeth, Trista and the only French man in Calgary to work as sous chefs.

Time to pull knives!

David gets the only French man in Calgary

Carl gets Trista

Trevor gets Jimmy

Headband gets Elizabeth

If anyone can work with her it's him.

My heart's with Headband, but the team of David and the only French man in Calgary is going to be tough to beat.

David's meal focuses on Toronto.

Trevor ca't define his style.  

The judges for the $100 000 meal are Vikram Vij from Van and some guys from Hockley Valley.

Headband's first course, Lobster 3 ways with a South Asian flare is very well received.  He's set the bar really high.

Carl's first course is a trout salad which is also very popular with the table.

David's first course is steamed pickerel with a french broth.  He calls it the Yorkville course.  To which all of Toronto says "huh?"  - they are not thrilled.  Nope.

Trevor's decided he wants his first course to be underwhelming.  Say what?  Fresh fig, goat cheese, raspberry and hazelnut.  Mission accomplished, guy.  They are tres underwhelmed.

"It's not top chef anymore it's top sous chef" says Jimmy Stewart.  Ha Ha Ha. Shut up.

Headband's second course is a braised pork belly salad with salad and a chili lime caramel sauce.  Elizabeth is killing it in his kitchen and offering him sage advice.  They are getting along like PEI clams.  Oh, Headband.  He knocks it out of the park again with this pork.  He knocks it out of the pork.

Carl's second course is roasted loin of elk which he carves tableside and serves with salad, pork belly and shallot rings. It looks super yummy.  They love it.  The elk is perfect.

Trevor's olive oil poached arctic char is also impressive.  They seem blown away. Maybe this is why he underwhelmed with his first course?

David takes them to Little Italy next with Tuna three ways.  It's contempo Italian, not College Street.  What Toronto does he live in?  Seems like David is choking.  

Third course time. Headband is doing beef panang curry, family style.  He tries it while plating it and says "it tastes exactly like what it is".  Will his conviction for family style eff up his chances at winning?  They all love the food, but McEwan HATES family style in this setting.  A lot.

David's talking about his risk taking again.

David has taken us to Little India with a biryani lamb dish...which once again falls flat.  Aaaaaaaaargoooooos!

Carl serves an Orange Sorbet for his thrid course which makes McEwan pop a blood vessel and inspires this bon mot from Tevor:

"This is a meal of a lifetime not a meal of laziness."

Somebody put that on a t-shirt.

The thing is, while the judges are skeptical about the choice they can't stop eating it.  "It's killer", Vikram says.  This is getting interesting. 

Trevor, who just quit his corporate job on TV, serves up a prosecco and olive oil granite (mmmm) and a veal tenderloin that might just be one of the best things of the night.  Looks like telling his corporate overlords to shove it was a good move.

Dessert!

David does a corn pudding, his ode to Kensington Market - which they love.  This is the David I was expecting to see. Too little too late?

Headband does a beignet with peach ice cream and blueberry ice that is FLAWLESS. But does it make sense in the progression of the meal?  

Carl's final plate is peach cobbler with ice cream.  It's a casual presentation (how are you supposed to make cobbler upscale?) but it also quite yummy.

Trevor presents the final plate of the competition, a blueberry tart with lemon curd and masarcapone cream which is met with a mixed reaction.  Shereen says "it's a really nice blueberry tart" and it sounds like she might as well be saying "it's a really nice mouthful of poop" - does that mean poor menu choice with good execution?  What will this do for Trevor's confidence? He already quit his job!

BLUE ROOM OF DEATH!!!!!!

Headband's choice to serve family style inspired an argument at the table...which really puts the family in family style, no?

Carl's really into farmers and soil and things less robotic then himself. 

David's corn pudding was inspired by his corn soup during Restaurant wars...the one Susur thought was too sweet. That's kind of awesome.  Way to turn a failure into a win.

Trevor is tired of your bullshit, corporate oppressors!

Not-Padma's make up is gorgeous. I wonder how many Sponge Towels it would take to take off that smokey eye?

It's tense in the beer locker of self pity, tonight.  

"One of you is Canada's Top Chef" - Not-Padma says, causing the four remaining chefs to cry out in shock.  They thought they were competing to date her, maybe?

GASP! Headband and David are OUT! What????  Not Headband!!!!

Headband and David walk back into the empty beer locker of self pity and have a well deserved beer.  

Trevor is top two.  He's as shocked as can be.

And the winner is, CARL.  Golden Boy takes it.  The young, robotic, farm loving youngster.  Did I mention he's young? Good on ya, Carl.  Congrats.  I look forward to dropping a week's salary at your new Toronto restaurant, wherever it may be.

Thanks for reading along, friends.  This has been a blast.  Until next time...

Top Chef Canada Episode 12 Recap: Math is tough

We open in the glamourous TORONTO! condo. How glamourous you ask? Why...they've got bunk beds and vertical blinds.  Not to mention a view of my office.  Jealous?  Crazy David's alarm clock goes off at 6:52am.  Who sets their alarm clock for 6:52am?

The final four are all very relieved that the only French man in Calgary has packed his knives and gone home.  He was a threat and they knew it.

I have no idea what Headband is eating for breakfast, but he appears to be eating it with chopsticks.  Come on, Headband.  Come on.

Remember, every time you buys Sponge Towels you're potentially lining the pockets of Crazy David's future ex-wives. This public service announcement brought to you by...SPONGE TOWELS.  P.S. SPONGE TOWELS!!!!

QUICKFIRE

Hello Chefs.
Hello not-Padma.

They're starting to answer her in a sing-songy way like one might in 4th grade French. "BonjOUR MAdaaaame not-PaaaaaadmAH!"

They are introduced to the owners of Petite Thuet, Biana Zorich and Marc Thuet.  Thuet has a rep for being cray cray. Trevor looks nervous.  The chefs must make two pies, one sweet, one savoury in two and a half hours.  At which point, presumably, Marc Thuet will rip their heads off and shit down their necks.  His wife / business partner looks nice though. Soooo...there's that.

If anyone makes a blueberry pie we need to refer to it as a "binga pie".  Lenny calls blueberries "bingas" and I'm trying to make it a thing. You've been warned.

Crazy David made Cipate with two layers of puff pastry and rabbit for his savory and for his sweet,  peach and binga pie with mascarpone sour cream ice cream.  It looks seriously yummy, especially the ice cream, but Thuet has one hell of a poker face.

Trevor made an apple bacon tart with walnut crust and blue cheese cream for his sweet and for his savory he did a quiche with caramelized onions, chanterelles and foie.  Biana had a lot of questions for him, but Thuet's pa-pa-pa-poker face remained unchanged.

Carl also made a peach and binga pie for his sweet and did a cheddar, ham and chanterelle quiche.  Seems to me these guys are starting to repeat each other.  Thuet is still emotionless, but he taps, pokes and prods Carl's quiche crust like he's lining up a putt at the Masters.  I fully expected him to get down on one knee and look through one eye at the thing.

Headband made apple pie with sharp cheddar pastry (NOM!) for his sweet and for his savory he made a potato, caramelized leek and bacon pie with dill and bacon fat pastry (DOUBLE NOM!).  Thuet's tapping on the crust again. What is he listening for?!?!

It's the moment of truth and Thuet names Headband's savory (underdone potato) and David's savory (lack of seasoning) as the most disappointing.  Trevor gets a big pat on the back for his sweet offering and Carl's quiche was pleasing as well.  AND Golden Boy Carl wins both bragging rights and a custom stone counter top.  The really good news is Trevor wins 3G's and his apple bacon tart goodness will be available at Milestones for mere mortals like us to try.  Sign me up!

We're spending a lot of time on math tonight. "we started at 16 and now there are 4", "last week there were 5 and this week there are 4", "next week there will be 3", "if 4 top chefs are travelling at a speed of 400 km per hour in the dairy aisle at McEwan's how fast will they arrive at their glamourous TORONTO! condo?"

Haute Cuisine!

ELIMINATION CHALLENGE

It's a big plating challenge.  They need to make a lunch for 50 fashion types and make it look pretty and fashiony.  And chefy.  And...what does that mean?  Stacking rings and infused oils?  Do people do that any more or is tall food "out"?

"Do they want me to make a plate that looks like a dress?" - Carl

Now not-Padma ushers in Rob, Connie, Dustin and Francois from Season 1.  They will be working as sous chefs for the top 4.  Dusty (and his smile) used to work at Susur with Headband.  OF COURSE.  They could have a "nice off". Happily, they get to work together, so we'll be treated to a lot of cute during this prep.  They keep giggling and high fiving.

Now we're at the Shops at Don Mills where models walk around like gazelles and the top 4 cook in the bright sun. Headband and Dusty are wearing matching headbands.

First up is Headband who made a dim sum plate inspired by a polka dot dress that his wife wore.  McEwan made a dirty joke.  The judges aren't feeling the food though.  OH NO! Headband!

Trevor made a potato encrusted lamb loin with mushroom foam.  They like the flavours, but was it too rustic?  McEwan did not complain about the foam.  Hmmm?

Carl made a salad with crispy sea bass and is very busy micromanaging the wait staff.  The judges love the way it looks and tastes and they are impressed with how Carl stretched himself.

David did a grilled beef tenderloin in nori with purees and wasabi butter and it looks beautiful.  The judges are very disappointed in the taste.  Not-Padma calls it "offensive".

Meanwhile, in the storage locker of self pity, we're doing more math. "25% of us are going home today", "25% of us are getting $10,000".

JUDGES TABLE

All 4 chefs are called into the Blue Room of Death.  Carl wins the $10,000 and is assured of a spot in the finale.  Best of all for Carl, he gets to leave the Blue Room of Death and enjoy a domestic beer in the comfort of the storage locker of self congratulation.

Trevor is now named as the next finalist.  I can't believe it, but Headband and Crazy David are on the chopping block. Didn't imagine this happening at the top of the show. At. All.

After a brutal deliberation, Crazy David is sent home.  Thank the sweet baby jeebus.  Headband is in the finale!

David is gonna be OK.  He's going to spend the $20,000 he won on a ring for his girlfriend.  He's a romantic.  A crazy romantic.

Next week: judgement day!!!

Top Chef Canada Episode 11 Recap: Family Style!

Five chefs remain! Then why do we have to sit through these opening credits with 47 chefs doing gang signs? Remember William? No, me neither.

We're at the glamourous TORONTO! condo where Trista has left behind a note for the boys.  I really wanted Trevor to yell out "TRISTA MAIL!" when he found it.  But alas, all he did was talk about how after being in the bottom last week he won't make a dessert ever again (until he absolutely has to). That, of course, means Trevor will be making a dessert today.

Crazy David is taking his 5Gs from last week and proposing to his girlfriend AS SOON AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE.  Come on, David, don't spend 5Gs on a ring.  Save a little for the alimony.  Think ahead, why don't you?

Golden boy Carl tries to prove that he isn't a soul-free robot by being emotional about being on the bottom last week.  I think I heard his bolts tightening.

The guest judge for the quick fire is Keisha Chante and we get treated to Trevor saying "Keisha Chante is a young pop singer?" into the camera.  Oh, Canadian celebrities.  If only the Mike Bullard show was still on the air someone might actually know who you are. Wait....what?

Headband is really adept at pretending that he knows who these rag tag bunch of guest judges are week after week.

Keisha Chante (young pop singer?) says her guilty pleasure on the road is Mac and Cheese and the only French man in Calgary says "Mac and Cheese" out loud as if he's never heard of the stuff.

QUICKFIRE!

The chefs must make two takes on KD, a classic one and a refined one.  For dessert, Vachon Cakes! (not really) then, while standing in the shadow of a 50 FOOT KRAFT DINNER BOX not-Padma tells them that one of them will win $10,000 for this challenge. Yowza!  There will be no more immunity.

The only French man in Calgary just spent 20 minutes reading the instructions on the side of the box of KD.

Keisha Chante wanted her KD enhanced and not overpowered. So now you know.  Oh no. Crazy David just won 10Gs for making a Grilled Cheese with KD and a Bacon Wrapped Scallop KD.  Someone, please, just send a money order to his girlfriend.

The more money Crazy David wins, the tinier he looks.  He is shrinking before our eyes.

ELIMINATION CHALLENGE

The chefs must pull together a six course eye-talian meal for guest judge, PBS Saturday morning staple and MAMA, Lidia Bastianich.  Trevor pulls Dolce, and is super bummed about it.

Don't worry, Headband. You'll never be known as the "soup guy". You are the "headband guy".

Did the only French man in Calgary just say "Fuck the Italian"?  I believe so.

Now that we're down to the top 5 we're seeing snapshots of girlfriends and hearing about how creative edges have been lost and lives are unravelling.  Such drama!

The table is FULL of guest judges tonight, not just Lidia, but also the omnipresent and charming actor Carlo Rota, Executive Chef from George, Lorenzo Loseto, someone named Franco Staltieri and Rick the Temp.  That's right. Rick the Temp.  Who invited Rick the Temp?

The antipasto is a big hit, but there's five courses to go, so don't get too excited, Rick. The Temp.

ZUPPA:  Headband made a deconstructed Stracciatella with a poached egg sitting in parm, charred tomato and chicken broth.  Maybe you ARE the soup guy, Headband.  The judges say things like brave, elegant, nurturing.  I want to eat in your restaurant some day, Headband.

"My veal is sexy. Sexy, sexy veal." - The only French man in Calgary

"I would like to make love to my veal" - The only French man in Calgary

"Beeeeep" - Food Network Canada

PRIMI: He's done a Parppadelle with his sexy veal, aged pecorino and sauteed radicchio.  It's too salty. Nobody can get past how salty it is.  Salt, salt, salt.  Salty salt.

Cut to David with his rack of whole fish singing a chorus of Eminem's One Shot.  If this fish doesn't cook properly in 15 minutes...well...whatever...David's a RISK TAKER. You may have heard him mention that 12 or 13 times. An episode.

PESCE:  The whole roasted fish is a big hit.  Crazy David does it again.

SECONDI:  Carl's thrown down with Leg of Lamb, Sausage and some salad and fungi.  Mark McEwan has a textural problem.  Ruh roh, Carl.

DOLCE:  Trevor serves a Campari / Granita thingy and a Tiramisu. He's nervous.  With good reason.  The folks are underwhelmed.

In the storage locker of self pity, not-Padma, her boobs and her hair extensions calls Crazy David and Headband into the blue room of SPONGETOWEL death.  Carl pouts.  Lidia is completely charmed by the relief they exhibit when they're told they're top two. HEADBAND WINS! HEADBAND WINS! He wins a trip for two to NY.  For not winning, David wins $3,000.  Huh?

The three losers head off to bask in the blue glow and find out who the real loser is.  Shereena makes the sad trombone noise while talking about Trevor's dessert, tells Carl his sausage tasted like a hot dog and of course, the only French man in Calgary effed up pasta which is kind of unforgivable.

Au revoir, the only French man in Calgary! We'll miss you! Who will smoke on the veranda now?

Top Chef Canada Episode 10 Recap: Holy Shit, it's Marcus Samuelsson!

He's that good.

Hey! Dale's here for the QUICKFIRE! Since he talked so much about his relationship with his son last year when he won Season 1 the challenge is cooking for kids.  Dale's little boy is judging and looks totally freaked about the prospect of having to eat things like lamb and brussels sprouts. His pain is leaping off the screen.  I'm anxious just looking at him.

This Aiden kid is a trooper. The chefs seem a little intimidated by him, and Headband is the only one to shake his hand. Go, Headband.  Nevertheless he's on the bottom with The only French man in Calgary.

Carl and Trevor get top points for being kid-friendly but the winner is Trevor for turning brussels sprouts into slaw and deep frying squid.  

ELIMINATION CHALLENGE

Holy Shit, it's Marcus Samuelsson!  He wants these guys to take soul food, food that tells their story and make it "chefy" and refined.   They need to work as a team and make a six course tasting menu.  This is a tough one.  I think I'd make Kraft Dinner.  It is Top Chef Canada, after all.

Two observations: Listening to Headband talk about food is really a pleasure.  Trevor is such an anti-asshole.  

Did I mention, Marcus Samuelsson???!!! (holy shit.)

The only French man in Calgary starts us off with his ode to Canada and our wonderful produce.  There's a terrine with crispy veg and beet reduction.  They all really like it. Yay for The only French man in Calgary!

Headband made a Scampi consomme with Pierogi and confit potato, swiss chard and garlic oil.  Refined soul food? Sure looks like it.  Aaaaand Marcus Samuelsson just said Headband's broth was a masterpiece. Throw out your resume, Headband. You don't need one now.

"It's not about the theatrics, it's about the memory you're left with when your plate is empty." - Marc McEwan.

Carl's Salmon does not translate into soul.  He's not a soul man, that Carl.

Trista's plate is all over the place.  She poached chicken thighs in saran wrap and some of it ended up on Marcus' plate. Oh, man.

Crazy David did Beef and Cabbage three ways and everyone enjoys it very much.  Crazy David settled down on this challenge and it's served him well.

Trevor grew up with Peanut Butter and Bananas and made a molten cake inspired by those childhood staples and a recipe from Marcus' book.  It's a great story, but the reaction is not great. Poor Trevor, I think he'll be in the bottom three.

I'm thinking Trevor, Carl and Trista bottom three - with Trista going home.

BLUE ROOM OF SPONGE TOWEL DEATH!

The only French man in Calgary, Crazy David and Headband (duh) are the top three.  It's a love-in, but Crazy David wins top place and 5 grande!  That's a whole lot of money for his ex-wives.

The bottom three are who we expected, and the critiques are sharp.  Carl's got no soul, Trevor shouldn't make dessert and Trista dissolves into tears when her saran wrap mishap is revealed.  You have to feel for her, but, of course, she's packing her knives and going home.  

Next week...KRAFT DINNER! Whoa! What?

Top Chef Canada Episode 9 Recap: My Lost Week

So last week, after a lovely meal at Ruby Watchco with some of my best girls I fell down, as I am prone to do, and broke my wrist.  The cast on my right arm that isolates my thumb has made functioning pretty difficult.  But I'm getting better at typing with my left hand and I'm starting to feel a little less sorry for myself, so let's celebrate by firing up the PVR and doing a mini-recap of an Episode of a televised cooking competition that's a full week past its expiration date!



Hey! I've missed these assholes and their gang signs.

Headband and Trevor are doing yoga on the glamourous TORONTO! balcony while The only French man in Calgary smokes a cigarette.

QUICKFIRE!

Spenny is the guest judge! This actually pleases me!  The chefs need to buy some dried and packaged food out of a vending machine and then make something yummy with everything they buy.

All of these snacks look gross, but the worst was David's which was...impossible to explain.  Golden Boy Carl failed as well.  Trevor wins it for Pork Rind battered Chicken Wings.

ELIMINATION CHALLENGE

These poor bastards have to go camping.  They're all acting like they are excited about this challenge. Cooking outside! Making a fire! LIARS. Who would want to do this???

Trevor gets his own tricked out tent with a bed and a carpet. He's so pleased he says things like "here's my shag carpet...here's my single bed...what UP!"  Awesome.

"I grew up camping a lot with my parents but as soon as I found out about hotels I never wanted to go back to camping..." - The only French man in Calgary aka The only Honest person on Top Chef Canada.

Why do people always act like being outdoorsy equals an emphasis on family?  I love my family.  I don't want to make them sleep in a tent.

After a night of terrible sleep the chefs need to make a "wild brunch" featuring a secret ingredient (each one different gamey animal).

So we're starting fires, braising meat and stomping on spiders.  Everyone is still amused by Crazy Dave, who, if I'm being honest is a little scary.

The judges arrive, including Roger Mooking and Not-Padma in a plaid shirt.  We are camping after all.

Headband's Guinea Hen that he made on a MacGyver style bbq is a big hit.

Roger Mooking: Not into camping.  +1 Roger, +1.

Trevor's Pheasant looks yummy, especially because there's a poached egg on it. It is my personal belief that it takes an accomplished chef to poach an egg.  That shit isn't easy!  Everyone's impressed.  It's a good week for Trevor.

Carl has also included a poached egg with his Duck and it's also delicious, apparently.  Three for three!

Ryan made a Rabbit dish that's just too fatty.

The only French man in Calgary made a Partridge that is yummy, but too rich and not "brunchy" enough.

Trista's Squab is a BIG hit. She knocked it out of the park.

Crazy Dave is "taking risks" again and while he's serving his Quail storm winds start blowing. Ca-razy!

Oh, we're back in Toronto. Thank gawd.

Trevor, Trista, Carl and Headband enter the blue room of death and hold their breath until they're told that they're the top four.  Trista wins!  She's shocked. I'm shocked.  Maybe she's going to start bringing her A-game.

Ryan, Crazy Dave and The only French man in Calgary get raked over the coals.  But it is Ryan that has to pack his knives and go.  Aaawww, poor Ryan.  He's alright, that Ryan.  I would not have wanted to eat that rabbit though.

Next week...oh, wait a minute...next week is this week! Top Chef Canada Marathon!

Top Chef Canada Episode 8 Recap: Skin me a peach, leave the fuzz for my pillow.

The REAL Jimmy Stewart sporting glasses that are so cool present day
Chef Jimmy Stewart could never hope to pull them off.

So...this $100,000 prize courtesy of SPONGE TOWELS? Is it $100,000 worth of SPONGE TOWELS? Cause, if I'm being honest, that would be kind of awesome. (P.S. SPONGE TOWELS!!!)

The hate that I'm filled with during the opening credits only grows with every passing week.  Now half of these people throwing gang signs and kicking lemons are losers!

The only French man in Calgary is only 30?  He seems more mature than that somehow.

Oh, Jimmy's talking about how he let his immaturity get the best of him last week again.  Shut up, Jimmy Stewart. There's four words I never thought I'd say until the dawn of Season 2 of Top Chef Canada.

OK, that was a completely terrifying shot of Carl sharpening knives talking about how much he misses his girlfriend.  And Carl's not even one of the creepy ones!  I fully expected him to yell "AT LAST! MY ARM IS COMPLETE AGAIN!" at the end of that shot. That one was the musical theatre geeks. I know you're out there. You know I know you're out there.

Time for the QUICKFIRE! It's the chef's skills competition. The first order of business is to finely dice as many shallots as they can in three minutes. There are bowls of shallots on the counter that look so pretty I'm actually considering using a bowl of shallots as a centrepiece. That's weird, I realize, but not as weird as, say, half the contestants on this show.

One of these days, Not-Padma is going to get knocked over by one of these maniacs who choose to jump over a table instead of walk around it.

"I started to shake and now I'm just praying there's no blood in the bowl" says David. This is such an awful visual...I just...ugh. *think of kittens* *think of kittens* *think of kittens* AND Jimmy Stewart is bleeding all over his board. This is like when they couldn't identify chicken while wearing a blindfold. Stop making this so complicated. Cut some damn shallots.

Also? "My knuckle's bleedin' BERT!"

The only French man in Calgary has done a lovely job with his shallots. Headband's look perfect, but he's not moving onto the next technique round because he didn't have enough volume. Neither is Trista, who is inexplicably still in this competition. She should give seminars in staying under the radar when this whole thing is over.

We're frenching lamb racks. Which sounds really, really dirty now that I think about it. And then McEwan says, "OK Carl, let's take a look at your rack" and I'm thinking maybe Not-Padma is feeling a little left out. Just a hunch. And then Trevor proffers, "I know how to handle a piece of meat" and I'm suddenly understanding why viewer discretion is advised.

Hey Dave Frishberg fans, now we're peeling grapes. The only French man in Calgary is the only one who looks like he's confident with what he's doing. He and Carl are the top two and now they have to cook something with all of the prepped ingredients. Both of their dishes look pretty lovely, but golden boy Carl takes it, winning not-immunity (those days are over), but instead winning $1000 worth of knives. Perhaps that creepy knife sharpening shot was foreshadowing?

ELIMINATION CHALLENGE!

Cook an on set meal for the cast and crew of "Lost Girl" which looks like every other shitty sci fi syndicated TV series shot in Toronto. Not-Padma explains that the crew want to eat something hearty, the cast want something light (actors! eye roll!) and there are other dietary restrictions they'll need to work with.

Michael Blackie from the NAC is the guest judge. That's more like it. This guy knows how to cook for performers.

So they're working together as a team on a Mediterranean Buffet.

Basically, opening the Drake made David crazy. That's what did it. Good to know. Good to know.

Cute alert: Headband's unpacking his knives, "you're gonna have some fun", "you're gonna have a good time!"

"If I don't exercise, I'll get so fat it's not even funny" - Trevor

It really looks like they have a good variety of yummy stuff. It also looks like catering is HARD.

David is not OK. The other chefs seem to think it's fun watching him be all jacked up.

Anna Silk, Richard Howland and K.C. Collins are joining Michael Blackie as guest judges. They're lucky enough to be working actors and unlucky enough to be on something called "Lost Girl". Seriously. Are these shows ever not awful? Am I wrong about that? Cause I WILL stand corrected if I'm wrong.

Trista's seafood salad fails. Surprised? No. Trevor's quinoa salad and his caprese are both big hits. They look simple and yummy and like ideas I might actually be stealing and adapting. THAT is a first in this competition for me. Jimmy Stewart made boring green salad and vegan soup that Not-Padma says doesn't even taste like soup! What does it taste like? David's grilled polenta with veggies is a hit. Unhinged works for him, I guess.

Headband's pulled pork lettuce wrap should really be in my mouth. Golden boy Carl's chicken dish is nice but Ryan's grilled fish is underwhelming.

Trista's yogurt panna cotta words, The only French man in Calgary did not knock it out of the park with poached peaches or his last minute chocolate mousse. Aaaaw, poor French man.

BLUE ROOM OF DEATH!

Half of the contestants get called in: Headband, Trevor, Crazy David and Golden Boy Carl. Not-Padma's boobs tell them that they are the top four. I'm not even going to talk about Not-Padma's "breast or thigh" joke. Stop it, Not-Padma. Anyway, Headband wins! Yay, Headband!

Now it's the four losers who must evacuate the beer locker of self pity and face down the angry faces of the judges. Not-Padma's angry face is getting angrier and angrier every week. Do you think the judges ever corpse when they're trying to mean? I'd be all Anderson Cooper style giggly, I think. I'm thinking Jimmy Stewart or Trista might go home. But I just don't know. Here's the difference: Trista seems to know when she sucks, Jimmy Stewart "stands by his food". Whatever, dude.

So they're all losers, but Jimmy Stewart is OUTTA HEEEEEEEEERE! Go be a slimy 23 year old elsewhere, buddy boy. Not-Padma's restraining order should be coming into effect in three...two...

Next week, these poor bastards have to go camping. Oh, dear.

Top Chef Canada Episode 7 Recap: "The Lusciousness of a Casserole" the new number one hit from "singer" Johnny Reed.

I can't tell the difference.  Can you tell the difference?

We're picking up right after Restaurant Wars...iiiiiintense.

Jimmy Stewart and the only French man in Calgary seem to have a budding bromance. Come on, French man, you can do better!

Jimmy thinks he "sent a message" by throwing Elizabeth under the bus.  

And then there were NINE.

GANG SIGNS!

Richard Blais is our guest judge this week.  Bluuurgh.  Of COURSE Jimmy loves him.  FOAM! CANS!  Bluuuuuurgh.

QUICKFIRE!

Not-Padma unviels a bunch of label-free tin cans.  The chefs have to pick three cans and cook something"chefy" with the contents.  Please let there be dog food.  Please let there be dog food.  Please let there be dog food.

Richard Blais looks like Fido Dido.

David took five cans.  Which means he has to include something from all five cans.  He's talking to himself about the fact that he took five cans, when he only had to take three.  "You know what?  I win."

Safe to say, David is becoming unhinged.  And he does not win.

Hot dogs in a can?  Oh, Carl.

Headband's got a can that smells like farts.

Curtis cuts himself.   Curtis is making knuckle foam.  He's never gone to culinary school.  That explains...well...some things.

SPONGE TOWELS!

NOT-PADMA'S BOOBS!

Carl admits to not knowing what three of his four items are.

Jimmy is so in love with Richard Blais.  He knows way too much about him.  He wants to eat surf and turf with him on a beach.

I can't believe they have to eat this sheeet.

Bottom three: David "five can", Headband with his fart can and the ultimate loser: Carl for fishy sumthin'.  Gross, all around, you guys.  Gross.

Ryan and Curtis are tops along with Trevor.  But the big winner is Ryan for embracing the challenge and cooking something IN a can.  IMMUNITY!

I must say, Curtis' reaction to being in the top is priceless. He's a surprised as anybody.

ELIMINATION CHALLENGE

Deconstruction time.  Take the essence of the original dish, change the texture and flavour and come up with something new.

Spin the wheel of classic dishes!

"I love to spin wheels, I don't know why" - Curtis

The only French man in Calgary gets Quiche Lorraine which he says he ate three times a week growing up.  What? When it wasn't foie night?  

The can-con guest judge is someone named Johnny Reed? What?  Who is this?  He's a singer?  What?  Now Ryan is talking into the camera about Johnny Reed.  I'm pretty sure they made Ryan read this guy's bio and pretend he knows who he is.  

Aaaand Jimmy Stewart is now wearing his hair like Richard Blais.

We're spending a lot of time on Crazy Curtis this week.  It seems like the other chefs like to get him drunk in their glamourous condo with it's glamourous view of my office and glamourous TORONTO! bunk beds for entertainment.

The only French man in Calgary called his wife and we get to listen in.  She sounds very not-French and very bored.  We must getting down to the nitty-gritty of the competition.  The first five people that get booted off competitions like this never have their personal lives examined.

Dave has made a redemption Terrine deconstructing chicken noodle soup and it is beautiful to look at.

Trevor is melting down, dropping things and looking generally stressed.

The only French man in Calgary is sawing a broom handle apart to use as a mold.  If any of these other chefs were attempting this right now, I'd think they'd gone off the deep end.  Somehow he seems perfectly at home doing this kind of wood working in the kitchen.

TORONTO! CN TOWER! SPONGE TOOOOOOOOOWELS!

Jimmy's up first with his deconstructed chicken pot pie.  It's not coming together.  There's a wasabi pea ice cream that's making Mark McEwan angry.  Oh god, Jimmy's gonna freak out.  He already has Daddy issues.  Be gentle with him Blais.

Ryan, who already has immunity got Eggs Florentine and he made duck egg yolk crusted in potato chips. YES PLEASE, Ryan.  Yes, please.

Headband made a yummy looking strawberry cheesecake but the deconstructed graham cracker is a mess.  They don't like it.  Oh no.  Headband!

Carl has knocked it out of the park again.  His chilli terrine is a winner.  They like David's redemption terrine as well. Terrine week!

Trista did meatloaf tartare but made a cooked portion of meat for Shereen, who is, you may have heard, knocked up.  It's lame.  Trista remains lame.

Richard Blais keeps sticking his nose in the food.  He's awful.  You're awful, Richard Blais.  

Curtis is such a weirdo.  He made tuna cannelloni and it's just...yuck.

Get your nose out of the food, Richard Blais.

I seriously do not understand a word this Johnny Reed person is saying.  He's Scottish?  Irish?  Canadian?  A singer? Are we sure?  Why is he there?  Who is he????  WHY?????

The only French man in Calgary did great with a plate of little cylinders made from the sawed off broom stick.  Sounds antiseptic, but it looks really yummy.

McEwan is amused by Trevor who didn't want to make "pasta balls and meat noodles".  Good choice, Trevor.  I must say that his meatball stuffed with sauce looks pretty cool.

Not-Padma should not say things like "it just squirted"

BLUE ROOM OF DEATH!

David, The only French man in Calgary and Trevor are your top three.

The only French man in Calgary did well to saw that broom stick apart...he wins this challenge!

Jimmy, Curtis and Headband (!) are the bottom three.  Headband is not wearing a headband.  WHYYYYY?  Put on your headband!  This is bad luck!

Why isn't Trista in the bottom three?

Jimmy claims he let his "age" get the best of him.  Shut up, Jimmy.  Richard Blais tells him to learn how to edit himself and says that plates like the one he served "make us all look bad in modern cuisine" OUCH.

When we see Jimmy again in the storage room / beer locker of self pity he has clearly tried to lay his hair down.  See what happens, Richard Blais?  Where's your mini me now?

Did Mark McEwan just use the phrase "the lusciousness of a casserole"?  Yes, yes he did.

Curtis has to go home.  Ah, crazy Curtis! I admit it, I'm gonna miss him.  He should have made a tuna macaron.

Curtis hopes that he brought "sunshine and happiness" into the lives of the other chefs.  He doesn't want to cry.  

"I'm smiling even right now.  I don't know why.  But I am." - Curtis