The one where I PACK MY KNIVES AND GO.

So, you may have noticed that my weekly recaps of Top Chef Canada ended rather abruptly. The short version of the story is that I've been in New Orleans for a week (and will be here for another three weeks) and don't get Food Network Canada here. The long version of the story is that I couldn't admit that to myself until now, because I HATE starting something and then not finishing it. Even goofy TV show recaps. Which is hilarious considering how often I start something and don't finish it. 

Bloggers. Always our own worst enemies, AMIRIGHT?

I was going to have a friend sit in for me, but then she had to go away for business and then, well, I took a nap. As you do.

It was then I dreamt that not-Padma called me out of the Beer Locker of Self Pity into the Blue Room of Death. Nervously, I entered, knowing my fate.

McEwan gave me an "are you still here" squint and then started checking out his ginger Jerry Curl in the refection of a tablespoon.

Shereen was not taking any of it.

"This is a cooking competition,” she said, enunciating every word with the precision of...something that's really precise. "You call yourself a blogger?" I stared at her. "No, not really", I said. "Where is the snark?" she demanded. "The whole point of this exercise was to give us a taste of snark. I was promised snark and"...she looked around frantically..."I got NOTHING."

"And, if I'm being honest", Not-Padma purred "the snark I did get had a very unpleasant mouth feel."

"Too much foam!" McEwan shouted. Then he flexed.

It was then Not-Padma told me to "pack my knives and go".

I made one last attempt at levity by pointing at myself and saying "no soup for you!"

Sheeren stuck her finger in her mouth like she was going to make herself barf, Not-Padma stroked the sides of her Herve Leger bandage dress while avoiding eye contact with me and McEwan threw his tablespoon down in disgust.

Guest judge, Emeril Lagasse (hahaha, like THAT would ever happen on Top Chef Canada) told me I was a good girl and that I should excuse myself and go get a beignet. I woke up with my face sticking to the pillow, covered in powered sugar.  I cleaned all that shit up with a SPONGETOWEL.

THE END, MOTHERFUCKERS. BETTER LUCK NEXT YEAR.

Top Chef Canada Episode 3 Recap: Vegans Don't Eat the Best Stuff.

We waste no time, we're in Quickfire land. And Hey! It's Strombo! And Hey! He's a vegan now. Of course he is. When Calgary Chris sadly says "Vegans don't eat all the best stuff" it makes me love him a little bit.  Maybe I was wrong about you, guy.  Strombo tells them to not drown Mother Nature's good work with "over creativity".

The Brit's big advice when cooking vegan? "Just think vegetable and you're on the right track!"

Fucking. Genius.

Crying Kayla is always the one who yells out "37 minutes, GUYS!" and "What temperature is the fryer at?!?!" So far that is her contribution to the competition.

The food is all looking pretty yummy.  I mean, I get the frustration that the chefs are feeling and I've read Bourdain's diatribes against veganism, but as someone who does eat vegan a fair amount, I'm kind of into it.  I'm also kind of into steak, so, there's that.

Then, this happened:

Insightful Bastard.

George's vegan palate was not happy with Calgary Chris' dessert, Crying Kayla's vegan home fries or the angry young butcher's foamy cold soup.

Dan, Becky and Caity are pleasing, but Dan, The Brit is the winner.

ELIMINATION CHALLENGE!

The chefs have to cook for either the cafe, bar or dining room of Sen5es (which happens to be downstairs from their dorm, errrr, condo).  They pull knives and then learn that they'll be cooking against the others who have pulled in their category and that Daniel Boulud will be judging.

Luxury Jonathan is wandering the aisles of McEwan's saying "Where are the nuts? I'm looking for nuts!"  Nicole has a crazy scar across her face from banging it into a hot pan last week.  Will it be there the whole competition? Will she ask Daniel Boulud and the GE Monogram not-Padma to "say hello to her little friend"?

McEwan walks in with his very expensive jeans and Luxury Jonathan says he's looking "fresh". He's taking notes, I can feel it. And then, he points out the thread count of the cotton shirt he's wearing.  I die.  This guy is turning into a parody of Scott Disick.  Surprisingly Expensive Shirt Matthew has nothing to say about McEwan's shirt. What is he hiding?

The cafe gang are getting ready to serve and Scarface is having a hard time finishing.  Luxury Jonathan and the immune Brit pitch in to help her. They grate cheese over her pasta, they give hugs.  It's nuts, if endearing.  Expensive Shirt Matthew is all "pffffffttttt...this is a competition!"

The judges are in love with Scarface's dish and since she is adequately appreciative for the help she received, I'm happy for her.  

The immune Brit has made a fry-up of some sort and it is too casual for them.  Luxury Jonathan's fancy-ass soup is a winner and Expensive Shirt Matthew's peach tart is delicious.

The bar group is up and Not-blonde Becky's looks cute but tastes "meh".  Jeff's is weird. Nobody gets it.  And the drink he serves with it is poison.  Wait a sec, who is Jeff?  Calgary Chris made something that goes on crackers and everyone likes it.  And he made his own cracker!  Food truck Clement made ravioli (bar food?) and it doesn't work for anyone.

The dining room group is cooking and oh, THERE'S THE SPONGETOWELS! Where have they been?????

SPONGETOWELS!

Crying Kayla yells out the time.  Boxing Glove Caity gives her side eye.

Danny Smiles serves up a scallop that's undercooked, Chris C made a crazy elaborate plate, with foam or froth, which I'm sorry, looks like someone yakked it up. McEwan calls it a "traffic jam of a plate".  Boxing Glove Caity's halibut and braised chicken wing appears to be a hit.  Angry young butcher's pork tenderloin is too rare and there is no sauce.  Crying Kayla's braised lamb is cold and yuck...raw garlic...eeeewww.

BLUE ROOM OF DEATH!

Scarface, Calgary Chris and Boxing Glove Caity are the top 3.  And Scarface takes it.  She deserves it, I think, even though the boys helped her out.  She's humble, so whatever.  If she ever refuses to grate cheese for somebody I will rethink this whole thing.

Crying Kayla, food truck Clement and the immune Brit are the bottom 3.  The Brit got cafe and diner messed up. Clement claims that his ravioli was "pushing the envelope" and Shereen tells him "it's not IN the envelope".  Crying Kayla has apparently confused "rustic" with shitty and yet, Clement is going home to his food truck.  Good-bye, Clement, go drown your sorrows in a beer and a plate of ravioli.

Join us next time when the chefs go to a Roller Derby! Which happened on Top Chef last month. Not a rerun, just Cancon, folks!

Top Chef Canada Episode 2 Recap: Scavenger Hunt? More like Scavenger *#%@.

Good morning, Canadian Top Chefs!  Before anyone has even had their coffee we learn Newfoundland Chris is struggling. Waking up is hard.  Boxing gloves Caitlin is not interested in you or your bullshit OK?  She's busy, sitting on the rooftop patio looking angry.

QUICKFIRE!

G.E. Monogram not-Padma waits for the Canadian Top Chefs looking poised in a snake skin pattern dress.  She tells them that they need to cook using MREs for somebody who calls himself Survivor Man.  I've never heard of his show, but it looks like his shirt and facial hair managed to survive since the late 90's, so there's that.

THE NEWLY BRANDED FINISH CLOCK TICKS DOWN!  TICK, TOCK! WHO IS THE AD WIZARD THAT CAME UP WITH THAT ONE?  Calgary Chris can't get his MRE open.  And he hates oatmeal.  Good start! What is this guy, 12?

Boxing glove Caitlin is, of course, one of those women who hates other women.  OF COURSE.  Expensive Shirt Matthew calls himself "the one to beat", and he might be right.  Luxury Jonathan mixes them a cocktail.  I love him.  I hate him.  I love to hate him.  And they are the top three with Luxury Jonathan taking it.  He has immunity and will live another day to talk through his teeth, look down his nose and make me love / hate him again.  He won't be cooking during the elimination challenge, he'll be eating with the judges.  Swish!

ELIMINATION CHALLENGE!

Scavenger Hunt at Riverdale Farm in pairs.  Shouty Robert Irvine and his arms are here to judge this challenge and two people will be going home.  Most of the pairs do well on the scavenger hunt, the teams seem to be gelling well, except for Ruth and Boxing glove Caity.

Not blonde Becky is paired with Calgary Chris.  I'm not sure how he even got in this competition.  Honestly, this guy might not even be a cook.

Meanwhile, back at the condo, Luxury Jonathan suits up, flexes his jaw muscles and says "this is a good day for Jonathan."  Something tells me when this guy becomes unfurled it ain't gonna be pretty.

...and Nicole just hit herself in the face with a hot pan.  Let's eat!

I'm going to start a Facebook Page demanding Robert Irvine buy a shirt with sleeves.  Enough, seriously.

Two things:  I don't think if you ever do that with your shirt in public you should be allowed to judge anyone. Ever.  Also, I have that EXACT shirt that Paula Deen is wearing.  And I kind of love it.  Is that wrong???

Nicole & Rory please the judges, Expensive Shirt Matthew and Newfoundland Chris knock it out of the park and then Boxing glove Caity and Ruth totally shit the bed.  Both of them.  The food was meh and they sent in two dishes instead of one.

There is a wasp situation at Riverdale Farm, making it difficult for the judges to eat.  Well, there's a WASP situation too, but that's just because Jonathan has immunity.

Now it's raining like mad.  Quick, somebody grab a pack of SPONGETOWELS!

The Brit and The Cast seem to be developing a wee bromance.

Not blonde Becky and Calgary Chris did a great job, which basically means Calgary Chris can take direction.

Smiling Danny and someone named Clement (?) did a poor job with their pork and Crying Kayla and Ge-off turned out a pretty plate without a lot of depth.  The Brit and The Cast over seasoned and McEwan says "the more you eat, the less you like it".  Ru-roh, bros.

JUDGES TABLE!

Resplendit in yellow lace, the G.E. Monogram not-Padma calls Caity / Ruth, The Brit / The Cast out of the beer locker of self pity and into the blue room of death.  We hear things like "offensive", "I wanted to scrape my tongue" and "check yourself".  Caity and Ruth are trying to throw each other under the bus and the bros just hang their heads and look ashamed.  Fully ashamed.  They were super cocky and they knew it.

Boxing glove Caity is awful.  Awful.

Not blonde Becky & Calgary Chris and Expensive Shirt Matthew & Newfoundland Chris have the best dishes of the day.  Robert tells the boys that they won and that he wanted to lick their plate.  That's the first two elimination challenges to Matthew.  He wears that expensive shirt for a reason.  But like Danny Smiles wonders...what is he hiding?!?!

Will they "wipe a team" or divide and concur?  Who will go home?

In the end The Cast and Ruth have to go.  Ouch.  Peace out, bitches.  The moral of this story is don't cross Boxing glove Caity (she is a psycho) and don't try to take part in a cooking competition with a cast on your arm.

Next week we are promised Boxing glove Caity saying things directly into the camera like "I will murder her" and guest judge (wait for it) Daniel Boulud!

Top Chef Canada Episode 1 Recap: Fred?

Welcome to Season 3, Canada!  Here's not-Padma in a Herve Leger bandage dress.  This is how you guys want to start this thing?  OK, then.  This year, the stakes are even higher - they're giving away $250, 000 worth of cash and prizes. That's a whole lot of SPONGE TOWELS!

You can't tell the players without a scorecard.

The opening credits are making me squint.  So many gang signs, so much ironic bad dancing.  While there is no woman kicking a lemon this year there is a woman with red boxing gloves, which would be totally interesting if those were on her hands at all times during the competition.  Can you picture it?  "I think I did pretty well in the knife skills challenge...considering I'M WEARING BOXING GLOVES!"

Alright, let's meet these crazy bastards, as they embark on this journey in the glamour-filled metropolis of Toronto!

Here's Danny, a 27 year old from Montreal who works for Chuck Hughes.  Everyone calls him "Danny Smiles" cause he's really happy and doesn't care that you aren't yet sure if he's a cheerful 27 year old man or a very self assured, tough as nails lesbian.

Nicole runs a catering company.  She says a lot of inane stuff about loving food, but then when she arrives at the condo she turns her nose up at the treadmill and bemoans the lack of gin in the freezer so I like her already.

Dennis has a lot of tattoos and a girlfriend who's going to miss him.  He's a former breakdancer with a broken wrist.  Still in a cast.

Jonathan is the Executive Chef at the Royal Canadian Yacht Club and he's all about luxury.  He talks through clenched teeth and totally thinks you aren't good enough to eat his food.  Meet his bellhop and admire his designer luggage.

Ruth enters.  She's the actual self assured, tough as nails lesbian, so I guess we now know Danny is just a cheerful 27 year old boy.  Glad we cleared that up.

Katie is a bottle blonde who is "like a pit bull in a cage".  This is the same one was wearing boxing gloves in the credits, so...I guess we can see what her personal narrative is going to be.

Dan is an ex-pat Brit who lives on Vancouver Island now and claims to feel part Canadian.  The other chefs give him side eye.  Isn't there a Top Chef UK that you should go be on?

Chris is here to represent NEW Newfoundland where it isn't all about screech and bologna stew.  No, really.  That's a thing a friend of mine grew up eating in Newfoundland.  Bologna stew.  Chris has an adorable baby back home that we can expect to see lots of pictures of.

Kayla is a West Coaster who thinks she's doing pretty great for a 28 year old, thankyouverymuch.  She also loves her Grandma, so...I guess we can expect some sort of cage match style "inspiration off" between her Grandma and Chris' baby.

Calgary Chris likes to drink and have sex and says things like "this is pretty baller".  Uh-oh.

Becky's from Calgary too, but she works in Toronto now.  She says she's short, blonde and pretty cute. She is short, brunette and kind of angry looking.  She's also the kind of girl who will work the phrase "my boyfriend says" into ANY conversation.

Geoff, also from Calgary, arrives and we learn nothing about him.  Does this mean he'll be the first to be eliminated.

And what's with all these West Coasters?

Matthew is from Van and works with Rob Feenie.  He's got a nicely trimmed beard and an expensive looking shirt.

"If you're a well dressed chef, there's something you're hiding" - Danny Smiles

Now that we've met all these peeps we head into the kitchen.  The G.E. Monogram not-Padma is looking beautiful and is, I'm sure, scaring the bejesus out of these poor bastards just but standing there looking so poised.  It's unnerving.  McEwan makes up for the excessive glamour by sporting a very odd ginger jerry curl.

QUICKFIRE!!!!

Culinary skills relay race in teams of 4.  We're shucking oysters, prepping a tenderloin, segmenting a lemon and preparing a mirepoix.  Cast boy is a stand out despite basically having one hand behind is back.  Danny Smiles is having a breakdown.  Someone named Fred from Quebec who we did not meet in the opening says he is a "quite person". So quiet he just showed up in the kitchen.  So confused.
Luxury boy decided not to tie up his beef properly and somebody named Clement has a food truck and a chip on his shoulder.  The red team, whoever they are, wins.

ELIMINATION ROUND

The chefs have to cook a meal inspired by the dish that inspired them to start cooking.  Seems like a fairly easy task, they need to find their comfort zones and settle in.

Chuck Hughes is the guest judge this week.  Will they play bad Canadian alternative music while he discusses what he's eating?

I seriously hope McEwan's is closed when these running maniacs do their shopping.  Can you imagine, you're picking out a melon and boom some crazed chef comes and knocks you down?

The kitchen at North 44  is under siege.  Someone is going home.

Ruth is funny and pretty adorable, Newfoundland Chris looks like he might cry over fresh ingredients and Cast Boy remains calm, despite being Cast Boy.  Kayla looks like she's going to cry all the time.  Is she or is this just a Robert Kennedy Jr. thing where she always sounds like that?  Oh, no, she might.  She didn't finish her plate.  Ooops.

Shereen is no longer pregnant, Chuck Hughes is in the house, G.E. Monogram not-Padma looks lovely.  They love Kayla's fried chicken so much the missing waffle might not matter. Nicole's chicken and rice is a hit, Danny Smiles lobster isn't perfect, but Chuck's still proud.  Some guy cooked a cabbage roll that didn't come together.  Who is that guy?

So many damn dishes.  God, there are a lot of chefs.  I can't even.  Let's just skip to the Beer Locker of Self Pity, shall we?  Top 3 are the Brit for his duck, Expensive Shirt for his chicken and not blonde Becky for her lemon pie.  Expensive Shirt Matthew wins and you know what?  Good for him.  He's going to enjoy that $5,000 worth of SPONGE TOWELS!

Bottom 3 are Crying Kayla, Fred? and Newfoundland Chris.  Fred? whoever he is, goes home.  Au revoir Fred?  We hardly knew ye.  Like, at all.  Really.  Were you even ON this show?

See you next week, when we go on a scavenger hunt in Riverdale Farm!