Top Chef Canada Episode 4 Recap: Slow clap for Crying Kayla


We open at the dorm / condo where Crying Kayla says the thing everyone who is ever on the bottom and not eliminated in one of these things says.

"I never want to be in the bottom again!"


Oh shit, and we now learn that Crying Kayla has been sober for four years and we all look like assholes for playing a spontaneous drinking game.

For. Shame.

QUICKFIRE TIME! to make the donuts!  Joining the GE Monogram not-Padma is the co-owner of that donut and chicken place in Leslieville, Paulette's.  I had their chicken, it tasted kind of like glue.  And their donuts didn't really taste like anything.  But their marketing is good and this lady is pretty and (unlike Becky) blonde, so she's here to talk to a bunch of snobby chefs about donuts.  Showbiz!

They are, of course, going to "elevate" the humble donut using wacky secret ingredients.  There's a $5000 cash prize to be won too.

Hey, Ge-off, if Wasabi donut dough in your eye is one of the "worst experiences of your life", then congrats, mate, you're winning at life. Buck up.  His donut is sooooo icky looking and of course it's one of the bottom three along with The Brit's seaweed donut and Crying Kayla's Churo which tasted like cardboard.  The best donuts came to us from Newfoundland Chris, Scarface Nicole and Not-blonde Becky.  Yeah, I would have eaten any one of those, but the winner is Newfoundland Chris who wins 5 G's on his son's 1st birthday.  Aaaaawww.

It's time for the ELIMINATION CHALLENGE where the Top Chef Canada producers call it in and do a segment with Roller Derby Girls.  Just like Top Chef did a few weeks ago.

"I don't even know what Roller Derby Chicks want to eat", says Danny Smiles, while smiling.  "I mean, I feel like wanna eat my head or eat my arm and like beat me with my leg..."  He's SO into these girls.

As the winner of the Quickfire, Newfoundland Chris gets to be team leader and has the opportunity to choose the other team leader, of course he picks Crying Kayla, because she is, quite simply, a mess. STRATEGY!

The Roller Derby chicks talked about carbs, not a lot of protein and stuff that's easy to eat and Kayla wants to make a salad with chick peas and flank steak. Okaaaay.  Newfoundland Chris' team does not feel like he's a leader.  I smell a mutiny.

Scarface Nicole is rolling her eyes at not-blonde Becky saying things like "I put ginger in to help with digestion" and says "she runs all the time...she hardly eats..."

If I ever decide to hire a personal trainer, I'm calling Becky.  But I want to kill a bottle of wine with Scarface Nicole.

Meanwhile, at the roller derby, The Brit, who's roller derby name is "Fiddy Pence" (bravo, really) says "ellO Ladies!"  And cue the Benny Hill theme music.

The guests at Judges Table are Elizabeth Falkner and Trish Stratus.  The GE Monogram not-Padma is head to toe in burgundy sequence.

I think my roller derby name would just be...Chef Elizabeth Falkner.
Newfoundland Chris' team did a really nice job, with Boxing Glove Caity's potatoes underwhelming the panel, but not grossing them out.

Uh oh, Team Crying Kayla.  Luxury Jonathan's Cobb Salad was a big hit, but everything else was a bust. Not good. Flat. If not downright nasty.

Of course, Newfoundland Chris' team won and the best dish was not-blonde Becky's, which made Ms. Falkner want to get up and do some roller derby.  Crying Kayla failed again and is asked to bring two of her teammates into the Blue Room of Death.

Fucking awkward.

And THEN, in a bold move, Crying Kayla goes back in to face the judge's table ALONE.  She's falling on her sword. She's eliminating herself from the competition.  She says that they had 10 or 12 people come back for seconds today and to her, that's what being a chef is all about.  No amount of recognition or money is as important as that.  She packs her knives, she goes.  With her head held high.

Slow clap for Crying Kayla.

Join us next week when McEwan is cooking for some reason and the remaining Chefs look terrified. Sounds about right.

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