Top Chef Canada Episode 5 Recap: I'm cooking as fast as I can!


At stake for the winner....blah, blah, blah SPONGETOWELS!

We open with the chefs partying on the rooftop and then we learn after a lot of hot tub shenanigans and swigging from bottles that The Brit has been having nightmares.  Are we about to see a "very special episode of Top Chef Canada"?

QUICKFIRE!  The GE Monogram not-Padma tells them that they are about to compete against the best.  You can see their wheels turning...Boxing Glove Caity whispers "Dale McKay" which is a bit of an insult to Golden Boy Rob, no?  But she's wrong because here's Chef McEwan...whaaaa?

Wait a minute.  Shouldn't he be wearing a hairnet?

McEwan is going to cook something as fast as he can and then they'll have the same amount of time once it's their turn. In 11minutes and 17 seconds, ol' McEwan plates some beautiful looking ricotta gnocchi all without, seemingly, breaking a sweat.  But the twists aren't done.  The five eliminated chefs return, set to fight for one remaining spot in the kitchen. It's like Last Chance Kitchen without a budget!  And now we'll be forced to try and remember the name of some poor schmuck that got kicked out two weeks in.  Welcome back, whoever you are!  Your time starts now, Stranger!

"Everyone in that kitchen will smell what I'm cooking. YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN? It's a fuckin' bucket of ass-kicking. YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?"  I swear to god, Clemente, whoever you are...I hope not.  I really, really hope not.

Approximately 47 Canadian Top Chefs run around like the Tasmanian Devil.  I want to hide under my couch.

I don't remember this Clemente guy being this...angry before.

Crying Kayla didn't get her protein on the plate.  I feel like she did this on purpose.

Scarface Nicole wins the challenge and immunity.  She then admits to the camera that she drank a bottle and a half of wine and two triple gins last night.  I'm guessing she's still drunk.  Wonder what she would cook like sober?  Scarface Nicole is good times.

The previously eliminated chef set to return to the competition is, of course, Dennis, our Cast Boy.  I want to see him pound meat with that thing.  USE IT, Dennis, embrace your flaws!  So glad it wasn't Clemente, I really didn't want to hear him talk about smelling ass-kickings anymore.  YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?!


Now there's some sort of strange sculpture tree with fairytale things hanging from it like swords, poison and glass slippers.  Confusion.

Oh.  And enter the students from the National Ballet School.  They need to cook for a cocktail party inspired by famous ballets.  Oh, please, please, please whoever got Swan Lake...serve actual Swan.  Or at the very least, something in a tinfoil swan.

We're at the cocktail party now and the guest judge is cutie pie and former ballet-dude Rex Harrington. Newfoundland Chris and Cast Boy are up first representing Romeo & Juliet with a panna cotta. Because Italy.  They think it's wonderful and captures the romance - McEwan talks an awful lot about the jiggle, which, in an odd way, captures some romance.

Scarface Nicole and Boxing Glove Caity present a spring roll called the "midnight bite" that isn't beautiful on the outside but is beautiful on the inside.  Like Cinderella.  This one is going to be tough to beat. Eveyone looooves it.

Calgary Chris and Ge-off made a chicken galantine because it, like Sleeping Beauty is "classical".  Unfortunately, not-Padma chokes on it and Rex Harrington can't taste anything but the meat (that's what she said).  McEwan says "you put it in your mouth and it's a non event" (that's what she said).

Expensive Shirt Matt and Not-blonde Becky are super confident.  They've done a German chocolate something or other that represents Giselle, the ballet nobody really knows about in this bunch.  It's pretty twee.  They talk about soil.  The judges love it.  This could beat the spring roll.

Luxury Jonathan and Danny Smiles made some kind beet and vodka cured lake trout but the important thing is the smoke machine that Danny made.  What's their ballet again?  Swan Lake?  Where's my tinfoil swan, damn it!  McEwan thinks it wasn't that strong, but everyone else likes it.

The Brit and Young Rory made a hazelnut spiced shortbread and I'm worried for them.  We've learned a lot about The Brit's personal life today, which means he could go home, right?  The cookie has been called hard, dense and flavourless. Not-Padma says it's "like a dog biscuit".  They came up short, with the shortbread.


The top offerings are from Scarface Nicole and Boxing Glove Caity and Expensive Shirt Matthew and Not-blonde Becky. Bravo! Throw roses at their feet.  The team that won was the ladies and their spring roll.  The lesson? Nicole needs to work drunk more often and Caity should embrace female friends and coworkers.

Calgary Chris and Ge-off and Young Rory and The Brit are in the bottom.  The Brit takes full responsibilities for his failings.  The other team just looks shocked to be there.

Were you dazzled by flavour?  Mark McEwan would like to know.  If you weren't well, what's the god damn point?

Rex Harrington's blazer glistens, as does the new product placed on the JUDGES' TABLE, sparkling water! Of some brand!  Come on guys...not-Padma's Herve Leger bandage dresses aren't going to buy themselves, you know.

The Brit has to pack his knives and go. He says he knew there was a good chance it was going to be him.  We knew too, Dan.  The minute we saw that picture of you with your late mother and heard you voicing concerns about your dreams in voiceover while you brushed your teeth.  Good luck, mate.  You're a good egg.

Join us next time when...I have no idea.  These previews made less sense than those bottles of San Pellegrino on the JUDGES' TABLE!

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