A Children's Treasury of Weird Ass Postpartum Symptoms

This is part one of a three part series about my experiences with the aftermath of pregnancy.  If you find stuff like this unsettling, come back some other time when I'm talking about something else, OK? OK!

I had a baby and a bunch of my hair fell out.  All over the house.  Everywhere.  Many, many, months later, it all started to go grow back.  So, now?  Now I have weird, fly away baby bangs framing my face.  While this is a small price to pay for the joys of parenthood and it goes without saying I'd do it all over again if I had to, it's still kind of...gross.  Don't worry though, there's PLENTY of gross to go around...

My head wasn't the only thing losing hair

There was, in the first couple of months after the birth, a lot of short, dark hair that was presumably left behind by the baby ummm...evacuating itself from my lady bits.  It's weird peeing hair, you guys.  Make no mistake.  This went on for what felt like forever.  How hairy was she in there?  Do all fetuses look like little thumb-sucking yetis?  Why doesn't that shit show up on the ultrasound?

While we're talking about peeing...

There is something very freeing about not having to pee every second like you did when you were pregnant. The thing is, for several weeks after the birth, instead of a normal peeing experience it kind of felt like I had a trap door down there.  A giant trap door that would slam shut once I was done peeing.  It was...roomy down there.  The kicker?  I HAD A C SECTION.  What happens to your lady bits if a baby actually comes out of them?  I shudder at the thought.

Control Freak

You know those Whoopi Goldberg ads about peeing your pants?  Let's just say, she ain't lying.

Shoe shopping isn't fun any more

My size 10 feet have spread and are now wide size 10 feet. Tragic.

A word about the boobs

Breastfeeding was a challenge and never really happened (just assume that's cause I'm heartless, careless and lazy - send your hate mail NOW).  Once I stopped producing foodstuffs, my breasts took on the consistency of bean bags.  Remember those little bean bags that they always made you toss around in elementary school gym class?  Now that I'm thinking about it, elementary school gym class was the last time I had to live through a series of events as unthinkable, uncomfortable and as seemingly random as being postpartum.

The Groban Effect

I used to have a visceral reaction to certain things in our pop culture.  I knew, when I was four months postpartum, sitting in a Starbucks practically in tears over the sheer beauty of a Josh Groban Christmas song that I had been changed forever.  I watch a lot of Food Network and E! now.  Crime dramas (I'm looking at you Law & Order SVU!) are a thing of the past.  The news often makes me yell.  Like, out loud.

Hot Flashes

I sweat a lot more than I used to.  I hope I get some sweat-free years between the hormonal rages of being postpartum and the hormonal rages of menopause.

Just when you think you're out...

When I was a FULL TEN MONTHS POSTPARTUM as in, I'm actually planning my baby's first birthday party, I came down with a postpartum hormone related skin infection.  Allow me to say that again.  A skin infection. See?  I told you there was plenty of gross to go around.  I'm currently on antibiotics and considering wearing oven mitts all day to keep myself from scratching the skin clean off my body.

If you think all this sounds like fun stay tuned for parts two and three where I'll fill you in on bizarre hospital practices and the weird ass things that happened to my brain!  Really.