Top Chef Canada Episode 5 Recap: Alan Thicke is a dish best served cold.

This recap is coming to you almost a week late since we were eating our faces off in New Orleans while this aired. Imagine my disappointment.

I can't stand the opening credits of this show.  They all look like they're throwing gang signs.  You cook for a living.  You are not gangsters.  Unless you're Anthony Bourdain.  Or Betty Crocker.  That bitch could throw down.  Or so I'm told.

The sun rises over glamorous TORONTO and the chefs greet the new day with smoothies, self pity and homoerotic bromance references.

Not-Padma says that there's nothing more Canadian then cheering on your team to win the big game.  What?  Enter Colby Armstong who plays for the Leafs.  Who suck.  The Leafs suuuuuuuck.  Curtis is a Leafs fan.  I bet he likes the Cubs too.

QUICKFIRE!

They need to make game snacks worthy of a Top Chef using Tostitos products.  TOSTITOS! SPONGE TOWELS! GE MONOGRAM!

Jimmy Stewart is making....wait for it...chips with salsa, guac and sour cream.  HOW DOES HE COME UP WITH THIS BRILLIANCE???

Headband, on the other hand, is making a crust with the chips for his jalapeno poppers and thickening a sauce with the chips.  That's more like it.

"We don't have Tostitos in France" - the only French man in Calgary

David is monopolizing the deep fryer.  Trevor waits patiently, because that's what he does...in a creepy way.  Elizabeth jumps the line.  Boooo.

The hockey player just said Not-Padma is "like a honey badger" while she samples Gabriell's dish.  I have, literally, no idea what that means, but I do feel like I should be offended on her behalf.

Oh.  Jimmy's guac has cumin in it, so is that supposed to make it more chefy?  Also, Jimmy?  Shut up about the fact that you play hockey.  Nobody cares, bro.

David made the most insane thing I've ever seen.  Sort of like a gourmet double down.  It's either disgusting or brilliant.

The hockey player dude sends Jimmy's chips and dips, Joe's onion rings and Headbands' popper "back to the minors". Headband is finding it hard to swallow criticism from a hockey player.  He's not going to tell him how to SKATE, people!!!!

Elizabeth, Gabrielle and the only French man in Calgary are the top three but the only French man in Calgary is the winner.  He made the Tostitos sweet and this impressed what's his name who plays for the Leafs.  And to think he's never seen a tortilla chip in his life! He's been so busy snacking on a wheel of cheese and a bottle of wine that he had no choice but to think outside the box.  Way to go, fella.  You win immunity and the gift of never, ever having to cook with Tostitos again.

ELIMINATION CHALLENGE!

Create a canope based on a decade (from the PAST!) with the aid of a time capsule.  Helping to judge this round is someone who is actually FROM the past - Mister Alan Thicke!!!

These idiots are finding it difficult to understand and cook for decades in which they did not exist.  I want to bitch slap somebody.

Elizabeth is really pissing the boys off.  They call her needlessly bitchy.  She's bitchy, no doubt.  But needlessly?

The chefs are preparing for the cocktail party of the century at the Distillery District when Gabriell realizes he forget to pack the bread he needs to make his tea sandwiches.  Car chase to the prep kitchen! Sweat drops!  Somebody has to go home!

ALAN THICKE!

Welcome to the 1920s! Elizabeth did some kind of puff pastry stuff with eggplant on it (at which point I stopped paying attention) and Gabriell did tea sandwiches with fruit salad which was, apparently, all the rage in the 20s.  Her stuff seemed well received but Gabe could be in the bottom again this week.  McEwan says his fruit salad tastes like it came from a can.  Ouch.

It's the 60's, man!  Alan Thicke likes Headband's headband!  Alan Thicke is also a riot, actually.  Headband did some kind of a Wellington with mushrooms.  Get it?  Mushrooms?  In the 60s? Waka WAKA!  Curtis drew the 1940s and made yet another dessert, a take on lemon merengue pie, which they all love.  Crazy Curtis is doing great.

The only French man in Calgary drew the 1930s and made chicken liver mousse thingy.  Jimmy Stewart goes into this loooong explanation about the 60s and the man on the moon and proceeds to try and spray cheese foam on some almond cookies and it just falls flat.  McEwan looks angry.  The man does not enjoy foam.  Does Jimmy not remember how badly everyone took to his breadcrumb foam in Episode one?  Stay away from the foam, dummy!

"Foam fails once again" - Mark McEwan

It's the 50s.  Carl's slider, on a homemade bun with seared fois and aged cheddar.  OMG.  Stawp it.  I want it in my mouth.  Joel's glazed ham with pineapple looks like it really captures the period but the judges haaaate it.  This is not chef worthy ham, apparently.  Maybe he should have stuck with Salmon?

Ryan made a take on a Tuna Melt with Salmon instead of Tuna (?) and Trista did some kind of "Fruit Punch Bowl" which looks gross.  Then again, the 70's were pretty gross, weren't they?  They seem to enjoy her dessert, but I think it looks like something Mrs. Roeper would wear.

Not-Padma enjoyed the 80s, I'm thinking.  David and Trevor did some opulent shit that I can't even be bothered to type out.  Whatever.  The 80s.  Whatever.

JUDGES' TABLE!

Hello Chefs. Carl, Curtis, Trista and the Only French man in Calgary are called to the scary blue room.  They look...scared.  They don't know yet that they're going to be the top four?  They should know that by now!  The winners always get called in first.

Curtis might be growing on me.

Alan Thicke names Carl as the winner.  And now I want one of those sliders even more.  Go on with your bad self, Carl.

Gabriell, Ryan, Joel and Jimmy are the bottom four.

And now, the best moment in the history of any Top Chef episode, anywhere, ever:

Alan Thicke to Ryan:  You mentioned that it was a comfort food cause your mother made you tuna melts...
Ryan: Yeah
Alan Thicke:  Once, by the way, your mother made me a grilled cheese and it was fabulous.

Alan Thicke, FOR THE WIN!

OH MY GOD THERE'S MORE!

Alan Thicke to Jimmy:  I thought it was ironic that you referenced the lunar landing...and we can put a man on the moon, but you couldn't put a clump of cheese on a cookie.

I LOVE YOU ALAN THICKE.  MARRY ME AND SAY SNARKY THINGS ABOUT PEOPLE TO ME ALL NIGHT LONG.

Shereen has clearly gotten to the bitchy part of her pregnancy.  I love it.

And the loser is...well they're all losers...but Joel has to pack his knives and go.  He's learned a lot, apparently.  But it's too late, Joel.  Go home and make some Salmon, sweetie.

Next week: Susur Lee.  I predict that at least 5 of the contestants poop their pants at the very sight of him.  If that does indeed happen, I'm taking myself back to Lee to celebrate.