Top Chef Canada Episode 2 Recap: Pig should never taste like turkey and other life lessons


Oh, Christ. There are still 15 contestants.  Among them, the scary woman with the rolling pin, Headband and some guy doing robot dance moves.  How did I miss robot dance moves guy last week?

Sponge Towels! GE Monogram Kitchen! Product placement!

Right into the QUICKFIRE! And here's Mike Holmes.  This is like when you see your high school teacher at the mall. WHAT IS HE DOING THERE?!

Mike will not put up with any crap.  He said so.  The chefs have to cook something using hammers and saws. The way they're freaking out, you'd think that they had to make those hammers and saws edible and not just cook with them.

Mike Holmes is a self proclaimed "meatatarian".  So, I guess no PETA campaigns in his future.

Headband is comfortable with tools, you guys. He used to build stuff with his dad. Everybody can relax now.  This is under control.  Headband said so.

Holmes is roaming around the kitchen like a hungry bear. I can't believe he hasn't told them to "make it right".

Ryan's portion is too small. Elizabeth's portion is too small.  David made eggs and sausage.  Carl made a big plate of food - pork chops, corn, looks yummy.  Trista made a chicken salad sandwich and giggles when not-Padma dives right in. Trevor put beet paint on the plate, Mike looks aghast.  Grabriell made "soup with stuff on top" (insert sad trombone here).

So. Many. Tool. Puns.

Mike wants his meat to "moo".  Why did they all make fruit and fish and try to make him eat it?

Hey, will ya look at that?  Soup with stuff on top FTW!  Chef Gabriell is stunned.  As is Canada and every other Chef in the kitchen.


They need to cook for 100 hungry construction workers who are volunteering with Habitat for Humanity.  Ryan is concerned about cooking on a construction site.  He anticipates that things will be "flying around".  Why are these chefs such pussies?

There are teams now, but with 15 contestants who knows what the hell is going on.  Headband is concerned that he might have to wear a hard hat.  Not-Padma either has a super sexy walk or she just lost her footing.  Again, who knows what the hell is going on?

They're shopping at McEwan's at the Shops at Don Mills.  My gynecologist's office is up in that neighbourhood.  I've been trying to book an appointment with her since November.  If I ever get one I'll go to McEwan's.  That will be my gift to myself for having to let small lady I've met twice do unspeakable things to me.

Headband is a team player.  I either love him or hate him.  The jury is still out.

Random shot of Curtis wandering around looking for pistachios.

Elisabeth is "sweating like crazy" apparently.  Just try not to run head first into anyone's bowl, honey.

Everyone loves their teams.  They are all so confident.  Just you wait kids, just you wait.

Dave is allergic to fish and he's making fish tacos.  TEAM! PLAYER!


Headband is teaching everyone how to wear headbands.  HE OWNS A BANDANA COMPANY.  Bandana party on the glamours Toronto condo terrace!  Oh look, there's my office.

Boots, hardhats and boots and heat and hardhats.  Carl is intimidated by the construction.  PUSSIES!

Yellow team is confident.  The French guy from Calgary made brownies, which for some reason I find odd.

Green team is making tortillas from scratch, yo.  Lenny says tortilla now.  Did I tell you that?  Only she says "tor-teeee-yaaaaa!" and then giggles wildly.  It's adorable.  And maybe a little racist.

Red team is making corn on the cob with bacon butter (!) and ribs and other things...they had me at bacon butter.

Kumal gets catty about 80's steak and pasta restos.  Be nice, Kumal.   Karma's a bitch.  Just like you.


The contestants feel appreciated by the nice people that volunteer with Habitat for Humanity.  Aaaawww.  Group hug!

Neil Heatherington, CEO of Habitat for Humanity is introduced and I feel like he should be carrying a brief case with all of the winners names inside of it.

Yellow team made a bunch of stuff I'm not interested in, pork tacos (which were boring and offensive because apparently the pork tasted like turkey) and the aforementioned brownies.  Salmon guy made salmon again. Nobody likes any of it.

Green team made potato salad, veggie chilli, fish tacos, bbq chicken and pink lemonade, there's also a banana mouse. That's a lot of stuff.  Chicken and slaw are a big hit with Mike Holmes, McEwan enjoyed all of it.  The Green team is heading for a win.

Red team has a bunch of delicious looking stuff and some kind of green salad but no dessert.  Their corn and ribs are a big hit.  The penne is a big hit as well and even Mike likes the salad.

Now I'm hungry. Damn it.


The Green team wins.  Mike "swallowed the banana mouse like a baby sucking its thumb".  Mike loved, loved, loved the chicken and apple cole slaw and Elisabeth is this weeks winner.

The Yellow team is heading towards, what I can only assume is a big loss.  Joel is starting to look like an actual Salmon to me.  Why is this guy so obsessed with Salmon?  The team of losers is sticking together which is nice to see.  Still, their food sucked.  So they go sit in the storage room and drink beer. Sad face.

Kumal won last week and it looks like he could go home for that non-taco pork thing.  Still, salmon guy. What's his deal? Is this a practical joke?  "I'm gonna get on Top Chef and only cook SALMON"! Stop cooking salmon!

Kumal is outta there for making pork taste like turkey and putting it on a store bought tortilla.

Everyone is always so sad when they loser reveals themselves.  Is that genuine?

Next week: baby showers and male chefs talking about how women look "ready to burst". Oh goodie!

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