The mind crushing, soul sucking, sleep inducing PMS has claimed another victim. Gaaaaah....Blaaaaah...Eeeerrrrg. I've bolded all the symptoms that apply to moi, because when I feel like crap, I like to shout it from the roof tops - especially when the symptoms prevent me from acting like a normal human being for days on end. "It's not my fault I keep dropping things. Don't look at me like that! I gots me a case of the 'mones."
Oh, and can someone tell me this? Is it fair that some of these symptoms last ALL month?
Headache
Swelling of ankles, feet, and hands
Backache
Abdominal cramps or heaviness
Abdominal pain
Abdominal fullness, feeling gaseous
Muscle spasms
Breast tenderness
Weight gain
Recurrent cold sores
Acne flare-ups
Nausea
Bloating
Constipation or diarrhea
Decreased coordination
Food cravings
Less tolerance for noises and lights
Anxiety or panic
Confusion
Difficulty concentrating
Forgetfulness
Poor judgment
Depression
Irritability, hostility, or aggressive behavior
Increased guilt feelings
Fatigue
Slow, sluggish, lethargic movement
Decreased self-image
Sex drive changes, loss of sex drive
Paranoia or increased fears
Low self-esteem
And last but not least...
Bitching on your blog and providing far too much "medical" talk for the nice people that stop by to read your ramblings. You should really stop that. Oh, and stop talking to the enormous zit on your cheek like it's a person. That's creepy.
Good for what ails ya':
ReplyDeleteKahlua
Joel McCrea movies - preferably "The Most Dangerous Game" wherein he runs through the jungle in a ripped shirt.
Howard Keel movies -
big baritone, big voice, big cure.
Take the word of the BLACK TARANTULA
Oooh, have I got an even better cure than kahlua: NO PERIODS.
ReplyDeleteCycle birth control pills or the vaginal ring so you have periods only 3-4 times a year, or use a progesterone IUD for similar effects. GOOD STUFF, I swear it to ya.
If you're trying to conceive, though...well, I recommend a plate full of chocolate chip cookies and some old Bauhaus tunes. And a backrub.
Sending you some end-of-period pheromones...
This is the FUNNIEST thing I've READ or HEARD ABOUT in WEEKS.
ReplyDeleteIf I ever get to Toronto, I'm buying you lunch.
I'm printing it out and will just present to everyone who bugs me when my times returns (any day now!)
Hi Maderine!
ReplyDeleteClearly your body is trying to tell you "you don't feed me enough ice cream!" Go and eat a quart bucket of mint choc chip, I command thee.
ReplyDeleteYou are a trip, girl! Trust me I (and all women) understand. I turn into a raving crying lunatic. Literally. Me and the kid joke about that episode of Everybody Loves Raymond and how Ray wants to get Deb pills but they don’t make any that helps “bitchy” ;-)
ReplyDeleteI don’t know if you were trying to look crazy in that pic but it’s amazing, aside form the lock jaw crazy mouth thing you are doing. Lol.
Remember it could be worse you could have decreased sex drive as well then you would be all of that and not getting laid. See things are looking up already, right??
You guys are the SWEETEST. The face of PMS salutes you.
ReplyDeletexoxo
We must be on the same cycle.
ReplyDeleteThe zit on my chin wants to know if the zit on your cheek wants to go get some fries together.