A Children's Treasury of Offensive Vintage Valentines

I'm not the best at bringing the romance on Hallmark's schedule, I admit it.  And now that The Robeau and I have been together almost 10 years we've given each other every valentine available on the rack at Shoppers Drug Mart or Indigo.  Two times.  I made a card one year, by printing out a picture of anatomically correct heart and scrawling BE MINE on it with a Sharpie.  My efforts, shall we say, lacked...charm.  I thought it might be fun to dig around online and see if I could find a charming vintage valentine that I could use instead.  What I found made me want to swear off romance forever and ever, amen.  Join me, on a journey of creepy, creepy vintage valentines that will make you appreciate your sweetheart even more.  Especially if they aren't a racist or a predator.

Is this a doctor and blow up doll?  A little boy dressed up as a doctor and his mother?  If it IS a little boy, why does he have a receding hair line?  Note that he wants her to Get Well...QUICK! presumably so he can nail her.  Also note that his doctor's bag is full of sharp tools (is that a wrench?!) and there is a small dog quivering under the bed.  If anyone ever gave a valentine like this, I'd be quivering under the bed too.

You clearly don't have any interest in me.  In fact, you treat me poorly.  Wanna go for coffee?

I'm a manipulative bitch!  Wanna go for a coffee?

You know, with a little laser hair removal, she might have a shot.

This superhero kid's a little rapey, no?

Me no likee.

Racis-um isn't cute.

This one doesn't just say Happy Valentine's Day, it also says Happy Black History Month!  I'm going to be honest with you.  This may be the single most offensive thing I've ever seen.  In my life.  What scares me is that I hear they were handing them out during CPAC this weekend.  I kid. I kid.  I kid because the extreme racism makes me uncomfortable and angry.  And making jokes about conservatives is easier than punching the wall.  Ugh.

I'd break up with somebody for using inappropriate quotation marks.   

And now...we move on to the wide world of FOOD!  What says romance more than food?

This is TRAGIC.  I don't know what else to say.

It pleases me that the pun prone boy egg has eyelashes as pretty as the girl egg.  It saddens me that they are about to perish.  But eggs are delicious.  I am conflicted.

What?  Just cause you're a vegan you don't like the valentine I gave you?  Maybe you'll like this one better...

Scenario: Baby cow offers Farmer valentine reading "I LOVE YOU".  Farmer, so freaked out that said baby cow has learned how to write, shoots him in the head.  That is a bullet hole, right?

This sexy, cigarette smoking fish wears the "craziest" hats!

What in the name of Jebus is this petting zoo hybrid?  Has it been shot as well?  Did someone give this to Julie Taymor when she was a little girl?  Whatever it is, it's the stuff of nightmares.

It took a while, but after this orgy of inappropriate, I finally found one I liked.

Happy Valentines Day, Robeau.  Thank you for not showing me your affection by shooting a baby cow.