I watched the Oscar red carpet pre-show so you didn't have to: based on the novel PUSH by Sapphire

For the second year in a row, I've decided to live blog the Oscar red carpet pre-show. Because I love you. I do it for you. I do it for the love. AND I do it to keep myself awake until the real games begin.

6:30pm - Well, I only have access to the Canadian pre-show and that means so far everything has been very, very polite. Ben Mulroney is only talking to other Canadians so far which means very civilized conversations with Ryan Reynolds and Jason Reitman about the gold medal hockey game. Hhhmm.

6:35pm - There's MoNique. Nothing Canadian about her...meaning I doubt she's ever apologized for ANYTHING. Not in *love* with her dress, but really like the Billy Holiday-esque situation going on with her hairdo. Can't go wrong with a fresh flower in your hair. Ladies, am I right? Oh...damn...MoNique just called Ben Mulroney "brotha". There are no words.

6:40pm - AND another Canadian. What did you think of the Vancouver Olympics James Cameron? And how is it anyone will ever date or marry you after all the stories we've heard about you. The blue pocket square is clever, I'll give you that. Is it real or CG? Oh, OK...nice things to say about Kathryn Bigelow? I take it all back Mr. Cameron. You are king of the red carpet.

6:43pm - Zac Efron looks like a cardboard cut out of Zac Efron.

6:45pm - FRED WILLARD! FRED WILLARD! FRED WILLARD! Oh. It was just a commercial. Booooo. More Fred Willard!

6:46pm - Sigorney Weaver, stunning as always. Loving the bejeweled detailing on her one shouldered red gown...

6:47pm - YES Lenny Kravitz...COME TALK TO CANADA!

6:48pm - Lenny! Come back!!!!

6:49pm - Mimi and Nick Cannon are my favourites all of the sudden. When did that happen? She is such a diva. I can feel the double spanx she's wearing.

6:50pm - Speaking of Spanx, it's our girl Tina Fey! Ben Mulroney just defended MTV Canada to Tina Fey. Love it. I think she's right, Alec Baldwin and Steve Martin will be able to get away with more than other hosts have...word. Oh, and "good job on the Olympics". Thanks, T! She can take the piss out of us, but she knows the way to our hearts. Wish I had some Sabor de Soledad to snack on right now.

6:51pm - Why haven't I seen Inglorious Basterds yet? BAD TRACEY!!!

6:53pm - Sandra Bulluck is bringing the SHINE with that gown. Yowza. I may have my reservations about her winning a Best Actress Oscar, but you gotta like her. Anyone who accepts their Razzie Award the night before they're favourties for an Oscar has to get bonus points.

6:55pm - Quinton Aaron from the movie that my friend Andrew Johnston called "My Pet Black Kid". Send your comments to him! Send them to HIM!

6:56pm - Maggie Gylenhall is wearing blue. It's lovely but it's only going to confuse people into thinking she was in Avatar.

7:13pm - I took a dinner break. The Robeau opened up the BBQ for the season! Hurray! What did we miss? Ben Mulroney told the world that he has Miley Cyrus on his ipod and name dropped the George Christie luncheon! How's THAT for Canadian? Also, Tanya Kim says she was in Glitter? Huh? Must look that up.

7:15pm - SJP and Broderick continue to be completely charming and gracious. AND they congratulated Ben Mulroney on the Olympics. Of course. Note to the fashion police: SJP brings it again. Love the updo and the back-strap thingy on her dress.

7:16pm - Kathryn Bigelow, you are a goddess. A fact that became obvious the first time I saw the first episode of Homicide: Life on the Street your directed.

7:18pm - Tucci! It's your first time at the Oscars? What the what?

7:20pm - Of course Sam Jackson has a VELVET Kangol hat.

7:21pm - Latonya! Homicide fans know YOU. And you love Ben Mulroney. How nice. What a nice thing to say. But what did you think of the Olympics?

7:24pm - I imdb-ed it during the commercial break. Tanya Kim WAS in Glitter. Never say these things aren't educational.

7:25pm - Gabby's dress looks soooo pretty! Wheeeee!

7:26pm - Yes, Ben Mulroney, Matt Damon is rocking the salt 'n' pepper hair. I'm sure he appreciates you noting that.

7:27pm - Gabby, be my best friend? You are awesome. And I love that JT sent you roses. Hollywood? Are you listening? Cast this girl in a comedy, she's the best!

7:29pm - Oh, Clooney. The power of the sexy does far "out trump" the Oscar. Also...have you been drinking? You look a little relaxed, like you're going to the Golden Globes.

7:30pm - Meryl Streep, thank you for wearing sleeves. It does my heart good to see a woman in sleeves. BEST DRESSED!!!

7:31pm - Yes Tanya, let's talk about Colin Firth. LET'S.

7:34pm - Jeff Bridges and his beautiful and age appropriate wife, Susan. Very nice to see. Always nice to see.

7:35pm - Keanu, come talk to Canada. OLYMPICS. OLYMPICS. OLYMPICS.

7:37pm - Vera Farmiga, for my money, so far, in the running for best dressed. Great structure and colour. She is the one to be outdone. Oooh, wait a minute...on second thought, too many ruffles. Still love the colour though.

7:38pm - James Taylor, ruining the surprise that James Taylor is going to perform! Also, note that Gabby is getting her nose powered right behind him. This is what I love about the red carpet. There is nowhere to hide. Even when they need to powder your nose. It's all just...out there.

7:45pm - Lee Daniels wins the award for guy I'd most like to have a drink with.

7:46pm - After the mess she made of SNL last weekend I hate to say it but JLo also could be in the running for best dressed. Really feeling the structure and "grandness" of her stunning Armani gown!

7:48pm - Paula Patton rocking the red Carolina Herrerra maternity gown, with her sort of Canadian husband. WAIT what did he think of the OLYMPICS?! You dropped the ball, Mulroney.

AND dead air, everyone must be inside. Time for E-talk to sign off and the official show to begin, hosted by Sherri Shepherd who is everywhere these days, am I right? Nice dress Sherri. Loved you in Precious, am sometimes confused by you on The View.

OH, this is soooo antiseptic. I MISS JOAN RIVERS!!! I miss the civility and the spontaneity of the Canadian red carpet coverage. Clooney seems to be the only one capable of breathing any life into this thing. Sandra Bullock was just told by some JACK-HOLE from Entertainment Weekly that she looks great and "starving was worth it". Gross. OK, maybe she opened the door by talking about how she was going to celebrate this all being over tonight by eating a burger. Gross, both of you. Also, Sherri Shepherd doesn't seem to care about the Olympics AT ALL.

Well, that is that. I quit. Gonna go pop some corn and wait for Steve Martin and Alec Baldwin to blow the roof off the dump. Happy "Hollywood's Biggest Night" everyone!